Adapt What You Say and How You Talk   

 At least since Aristotle recommended adapting a message to its  audience in his Rhetoric (350 B.C.), skillful communicators have  been shaping their messages to connect with specific audiences.  (By rhetoric he meant "the faculty of observing in any given case  the available means of persuasion." For conversation, how to get  your point across to a particular person.     

Every head's a different world, says a proverb. We share some  commonalities, and we also have many differences. To be effective  ini conversation, we must take those differences into account.     

A significant and frequently overlooked difference is that between  the generations. Marketers know this well, and study the values, wants,  and desires of various age groups. Television producers also hone in on  the different age-group predispositions if they are to succeed in gaining  and holding their attention. Skillful teachers adapt their lessons to the  age group they instruct.     

But in ordinary conversation, such adjustments are easily overlooked,  even though they are almost common sense. Thus, parents may sound  preachy to their children when they talk because they refer to experiences  the children did not have and appeal to values the children may not share.     

Some contrasts in four living generations of Americans:   

Veterans (born between 19221943, 52 million): 
Core values: dedication, sacrifice, hard work, conformity, respect authority 
Personality: Conformists, conservative, past-oriented 

Boomers (born between 1943-1960, 73 million) 
Core values: optimism, personal gratification, personal growth 
Personality: driven, soul-searchers, ambivalent about authority 

Gen Xers (born between 1960-1980, 70 million) 
Core values: diversity, informality, fun, pragmatism 
Personality: risk-takers, skeptical, family-oriented 

Nexters (1980 and later, 70 million) 
Core values: confidence, achievement, morality, street-smarts 
Personality: optimistic, prefer collective action, tenacious 

When a Veteran talks to a grandchild from a value context of  conformity and unquestioned respect for authority, s/he encounters  considerable resistance from a Gen Xer who tends to value diversity  and is skeptical of authority. When rebuffed, the elder may feel insulted  and grumble about the kids these days, they've got no respect.   

It's true: Every head's a different world. 

When a 45-year-old Boomer, who may be constantly soul-searching,  talks about his valued ideal of personal growth to a more laid-back  Gen Xer, the message may not connect. Instead, the Xer is a bit puzzled  and wonders about the quaint perspective expressed by the Boomer.     

One of the better message adaptations I have read about is that of  youth development counselor Edward DeJesus, an in-touch expert who  deals with kids of the hip-hop generation on the mean streets of New  York City. In his recent book, Makin' It: The Hip-Hop Guide to True  Survival, he shows how he and his colleagues frame their messages  toward the key value of the kids  survival, and other strong values like  making money and getting respect. Using real-life examples and basic  math, he shows how more education leads to more money, how  self-discipline leads to greater respect from others, and how smart  risk-management leads to physical survival. Nothing preachy here,  and it's offered in a language that the hip-hoppers clearly understand.  While other programs have often failed to reach the kids, that of  DeJesus has been successful against steep odds.     

When we are conversing with a speaker of a language other than  English, we know we must make adjustments. However, it's easy to  overlook the adjustments when speaking to those we consider our  own kind. Failure to adapt to our listeners simply increases the  possibility of their misunderstanding and resistance.     

So think about the person you're talking to, and adapt your message  accordingly.