Change One Habit at a Time  

 Habits of any kind are notoriously difficult to change or eliminate.  Each new year, many people make mighty resolutions to lose weight,  save more money, and exercise more. Alas, within a short time, most  of these resolutions fail, and for good psychological reasons.  Many readers of my articles have written to me that they seek ways  to improve their conversational skills. Therefore, this article is devoted  to helping you do just that by eliminating one troublesome habit at a  time. Focusing on only one greatly increases the possibility of success.     

A simple step-by-step procedure changing habits:     

1. Identify a short list of your troublesome habits of talk. Some of  these you are already aware of. Others are blind to you, and you'll need  feedback from friends to notice them. Here are some very common  habits that cause difficulty during conversation:     

?`Take-aways` that pull the conversation`s focus back to you. 
Example: The speaker begins to describe a movie she saw, and you 
abruptly jump in to describe a different movie. 
?Interrupting before the other speaker completes their thoughts. 
Usually stems from impatience and the eagerness to be heard. 
?Pre-scripting: Rehearsing what you plan to say instead of 
listening to what the speaker is saying. 
?Contradicting. Seeking to deny the validity of another`s opinion 
or viewpoint because it differs from your own. (Often begins with a 
`Yes, but . . .` preface.) 

2. Consider the positive and negative consequences of one of the  habits you've identified. A good way to do this is to write the name  of the habit at the top of a sheet of paper, draw a line down the center,  then list the plusses and minuses of expressing that habit. Also, list  any rewards (pay-offs) for making the change. Thinking about a habit  makes it more conscious, and consciousness is a solvent to reduce the  `stuckness` of habits.     

3. Think of an alternative behavior to use instead of the habit that  causes trouble. As we know, `Nature abhors a vacuum,` and replacing  a habit with a more helpful behavior will assist you in eliminating it.  For example, instead of contradicting a speaker, inquire. Ask the person  how he came to that opinion or conclusion. Or, instead of interrupting  impatiently, take a few breaths and hear fully what the other wants to say.     

4. Read your goal daily, and at least once in the morning. Read over  the rewards for making the change, such as more harmonious relationships,  or deeper understanding of others` ideas. As a reminder that you are seeking  to change your behavior, install a reminder `trigger` such as wearing your  watch on the other wrist. (For a bit of extra `zing`, some habit-changers  put a rubber band on their wrist and give it a brisk snap whenever they  catch themselves expressing the unwanted habit.)     

5. Give yourself time to install the change. Usually two or three weeks  will be sufficient. Habits that have been exercised for years do not yield to  instant change, but each day of mindfulness will weaken the old habit and  strengthen the new one.     

Sometimes old habits will reappear even when we think we have made  a permanent change. Don't be deterred if this happens. Under conditions of  stress, we humans tend to revert to the old ways. Re-think your goal  and begin again and you will succeed in your higher value of becoming a  more skillful conversationalist.