Conversational Habits and Routines 
 

Our conversational styles are patterned, the result of local  culture and personal habit. So much so, in fact, that they define  us more than do our hairstyles and apparel, which are much easier  to change.  Some of our routines add to our conversational effectiveness  and some do not. For example, the habit of asking your fellow  converser to tell me more is almost always helpful in getting  more detail and nuance. On the other hand, the habit of abruptly  changing the subject is often disconcerting and rarely helpful.     

Why do persons continue with the same conversational  routines, even if those routines are ineffective? Well, habits are  almost always out-of-awareness and, even when brought to one's  attention, are hard to break. You can observe that almost no one  drives a different route to work unless forced to do so by  bottlenecks and road construction. Changing any habit requires  effort, more awareness and attention, more work and more energy.  Habits by their nature are automatic and follow the path of least  resistance.     

In our personal relationships, we experience a natural drift  toward routine. However, as we habituate, the freshness and  excitement of our talks begin to wane. We talk about certain  topics (and not about others) in predictable ways. We tend to  expect that we already know what our spouses, friends, and co-  workers are thinking and what they're going to say.     

Just as the ability to break set is a necessary aspect of  creative thinking, it is also necessary to creative conversation.  To eliminate a predictable routine that is ineffective  to establish  an absence of that routine  can make a huge difference in  one's effectiveness. For example, eliminating one's long-held  urge to interrupt others in mid-sentence can create a much  smoother and safer talk-space for all.     

The saying that even our best friends won't tell you seems  to be as true regarding our conversational routines as it is for our  having bad breath. Most people will put up with our troublesome  routines rather than tell us about them. So we remain ignorant of  how our habits affect others while they grumble behind our back  or even avoid us when they see us coming.     

Some weeks ago an old friend and I had dinner together  when I was visiting his city. Earlier that day I had wandered  around, shopping and seeing the sights, keeping to myself, and  he spent a full day of listening to clients in his therapy practice.  By the time the salad arrived, I was really primed to talk about  my ideas, and I did so. He, on the other hand, had done quite  enough intense listening that day and preferred a low-key,  gently paced, and mutual conversation. I, the conversation  expert, didn't make the adjustment, and my being so voluble  sapped some of the enjoyment out of our time together. The  next morning on a walk together he gave me his response,  albeit with a bit of hesitation, and I was a bit shame-faced at  what he told me. I saw then that I had been conversing on  automatic and had not attended to what was needed for a  more mutual exchange.     

If we already are aware of a conversational bad habit,  we can put some effort into eliminating it. As a reminder,  we can wear our watch on the other wrist to increase our  awareness. We can keep a count and watch the habit  diminish over days and weeks.     

If we are unaware of our habits, we can ask a trusted friend  to tell us how we converse. When we give a friend our permission,  they are likely to tell us about those habits of ours that are helpful  and those that are not. Then, brought to our awareness, we can do  more of the good habits and fewer of the bad.