Conversation . . .to be Continued

 In these busy techno-days, many of my conversations are broken  into chunks over time. They are strung out. They are often frustrating.     

Extended Conversations Are Often a Mix of Modalities     

Not only do my conversations extend over time; they are also a mixture of  face-time talk, phone talk, instant messaging, faxes, emails, and sometimes  postal mail. The same may be true for you. My question is, how can we hold  together the thread of talk as it develops with these various modalities?     

For example, we meet a great new person at a professional conference  and conclude that we like and can help each other. We exchange cards and  vow to connect again to set up a time to meet for lunch. That evening, we  check our schedule and email it to our new friend with a request to select  the most convenient time. Then days go by with no response at all. Finally,  after a week goes by, we phone our new friend, who tells us Oh, yeah.  I guess I haven't been checking my emails.     

A husband and wife are discussing holiday plans. Her parents' home?  Or his parents' home? After a stressful three hours of talk, the discussion  is interrupted when their sick child has to be taken to an emergency room.  Weeks go by without this touchy topic being brought up again. When the  wife finally brings it up, he says she's nagging. It is difficult to recall what  was said weeks before on this issue.     

Sometimes Delay Does Damage     

Both of these examples illustrate that the passage of time can damage  an important ongoing conversation. The first example suggests You are  not important. The second suggests I'd rather not deal with this issue.     

If we don't keep a conversational thread going in a timely and polite  manner, it may be broken and hard to repair. Moreover, we may need not  only to tie the thread together. We may also have some relationship repair  to do, and that makes the conversation more difficult to resume.     

I know a clergyman who is a warm, outgoing, and talkative person,  enjoyable to spend time with. When we get together for a chat, some  items are left incomplete, and we agree to talk about them later on.  I often send or hand him some additional ideas to consider. However,  usually that is the end of the matter. I rarely receive any follow-up  from him, as if we never discussed these topics. Although he suggests  a further response when he says Let me think about that, he rarely  brings up a matter again. When I remind him, he acknowledges the  issue briefly but still does not bring it up, even though it is an item  that requires a decision and some specific action. Because he doesn't  write down notes, he tends to forget the specifics. He is good at  face-time talk but ineffective at follow-through.     

Acknowledgement is Important     

To be effective with a conversation that takes over time, we must  manage the mix. It is important to acknowledge when we are sent  information that is actually part of the conversation so that the sender  knows we got it and are considering it. (I got your email attachment  with the budget figures. Will you call me Tuesday morning to  discuss them?)     

Make Agreements About When to Resume     

When we stop (but not conclude) any conversation, it is critical that  we make some specific agreements as to when and how  or if -- we will  resume the talk. If we do not, the thread of understanding will fray and  possibly break, and our time will have been wasted. I'll FedEx you a  copy of the workbook, and after you have time to go through it, we can  talk again. Will 10 days be enough time? I'll call you next Saturday so  you won't be interrupted at work.     

When we recognize that many of our conversations are mixtures  of various modes of communication, we can be more effective. On the  other hand, if we think that only the direct face-to-face conversation  is real communication, we will probably neglect the other modes as  less important, and the conversational thread may break.