Discarding Useless Conversation Habits People make many resolutions to start the new year: Lose weight, save money, exercise more. How about breaking some weak conversational habits and installing some better new ones? With these, you'll be able to notice the differences immediately. The ones worth discarding are the ones that inhibit effective and satisfying conversation. These are often so automatic that folks aren't aware of how dysfunctional they are. Here are some I recommend for the discard pile: 1. Take-aways. Pulling the attention to yourself by using the other person's content as a launching pad for your own stuff. For example, when I recently returned to my aerobics group after two weeks holiday in Hawaii (where I had lived for over 30 years), I had barely got the word "Hawaii" out of my mouth before others told me of the cruise they took to Hawaii in 1996, or that their son-in-law had once been stationed in Hawaii.. No chance for me to describe my recent experience; only a chance to listen to them. This "me-too" response is not helpful in advancing the conversation. We must give others time to share their ideas or experience. Don't "take away." And never miss a good opportunity to hold your tongue. 2. "Yes-but." In this increasingly diverse world, we'll encounter many people who have different viewpoints. It will be generally more fruitful for your learning and for good social relations to withhold your differences - at least for a while until the others have been able to share their ideas. Then, having been fully heard, they'll be more willing to listen to your views. Some people hold the distorted notion that they MUST argue or object immediately so that they don't appear wimpy or dishonest. Not so: It actually takes some courage to openly listen to and explore another's different ideas. A knee-jerk "but" response does not allow you to learn anything new and simply reinforces the (limited) ideas you already hold. Alternative: Say "Tell me more about that." 3. Blabbermouthing. Those who are verbally adroit are prone to this tendency. They love to be listened to, and thus hold forth, hogging the conversation. If there is a pause, they tend to fill it with verbiage, even though their conversational partner may be taking a moment to think before responding. Let your social conversation be approximately equal in taking turns and using the time. 4. Fixing and advice giving. You've got a problem? They've got a solution, and it's often one you've already considered or tried. These folks go around improving others, solving their problems, making off-the-cuff recommendations. As an alternative, such fixers would do better listening and asking a few questions, such as 'How are you going to deal with that?" or "What have you done so far to solve that problem?" Inquiring rather than simply telling removes the stance of superiority that the fixer assumes and offers encouragement and support while acknowledging that others probably have adequate resources to handle their own problems. Insist on imposing your own "good advice" when it's not asked for and you'll damage lots of relationships. Instead? "Doctor, heal thyself." 5. Certainty . Years ago consultant Dr. Jack Gibb described contrasting attitudes that limited or enhanced the quality of our communication. In his research, he found that an attitude of absolute certainly limited communication and mutual understanding, and the contrasting attitude of relativism enhanced it. In colloquial language, certainty means closed-minded, and relativism means "allows for other points of view." Certainty can easily appear dogmatic, self-righteous, or bull-headed. (And you wouldn't want to be seen in these ways, would you?) Habits are hard to change because they ARE habits, meaning that they are out of awareness and they are automatic. To change them requires some mindfulness to bring them to awareness and some effort to stop their robotic ways. Somewhat difficult, but not impossible. Discarding even one of the above habits is not a bad goal for the new year.
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