Get Your 'But' Out of the Way   

 One of the main concerns of the conversationally-impaired is how to  continue a conversation once it's started. These folks dread the possibility that a conversation will bog down and sink into awkward silence. I am hereby proposing  a nearly fail-safe rule for these folks: Don't deny what the other person says.  That is, accept what the other person says as a contribution to the conversation;  then add to that.     

In improvisational theater, the above is known as the Yes, and rule. Your fellow player makes an offer (that is, says or does something), and you add to it. Simple? Yes.  Easy? Not always. However, when players adhere to this rule, the improvised conversation emerges, grows nicely, and the story-line develops. Audiences are engaged and amused by the rapid flow of discourse and the surprising things that are said.     

Example of rule-breaking:     

Player A: Hey, Bob! Nice yellow shoes you're wearing. 
Player B: You must be color-blind. These shoes are black. 

In the above example, player B blocks the conversational flow by blocking the first player's offer through denying it.     

Example of following the Yes, and rule:     

Player A: Hey, Bob! Nice yellow shoes you're wearing. 
Player B: Yes, and I got them on sale at half-price. 

In the second example, player B accepts the offer and adds to it, thereby continuing the flow. Although improv players don't always say Yes, and, the experienced ones always think Yes, and because they understand that accepting and adding to is the way a story develops spontaneously. They get their buts out of the way.   

A brief exercise that demonstrates the power of but to frustrate and defeat a group is this: Give a group of 5-6 people a simple assignment such as Plan a group picnic in 10 minutes. Then give the instruction that each contribution after the opening comment must be preceded by Yes, but. For example:   

A: I suggest we picnic at the City Park 
B: Yes, but it's often crowded there. 
C: Yes, but crowds can be fun sometimes. 
D: Yes, but they're also dangerous. 
E: Yes, but you've got the wrong idea entirely. 
A: Yes, but we shouldn't be arguing. 
B: Yes, but . . . 

You get the idea. Although the format is exaggerated, the frustrating feel of the group conversation is not so uncommon. The blocking and but-ing do not allow the conversation to emerge and develop.   

Deborah Tannen, well-known linguist and author, refers to our society as a culture of critique in her popular book, The Argument Culture: Stopping America's War of Words. As she demonstrates, the media are often formatted in a Yes, but  Structure, political right against left, girlfriend vs. boyfriend, plaintiff vs. defendant.  This is the stuff of talk-shows, court-shows, sport shows, and outrageous Jerry Springer type shows. Conflict and argument, the producers agree, pay off. Apparently, listeners and viewers are attracted to such conflict and, as Lee Shubert once said of his chain of theaters, The box office never lies.     

Although it may be true that conflict sells in the media, it is clearly not true  that conflict works well in ordinary conversation. Denying, deflecting, ignoring,  and all the other ways one can block the contributions of others impede the conversation and almost always can manage to shut it down.     

When we think of others' comments as offers instead of challenges, and our own remarks as additional offers, the conversation usually flows nicely. As a tiny experiment, eliminate all Yes, but responses from a few conversations and see what  happens. I think you'll be pleased with the result.