"Kindness in Conversation"  

 Lots of people come to believe that being tough, or even mean,  are necessary to be effective in the world. They regard being gentle and kind as too soft in the human arena they believe is `dog-eat-dog.`  Kindness Requires Strength   

I have come to see that there can be and often is strength in the  expression of kindness, and that being tough, mean, or cruel is mainly  an attempt to get a sense of power that is lacking. When we are being  genuinely kind ( and not merely `nice,`), we are giving other people  what they need, and to do this requires a sense of empathy with them.   

Simple Ways to Show Kindness   

For example, most people have a need to be validated, to be  seen as worthwhile persons. (Yes, even the tough guys have this need.)  The late Mary Kay of cosmetics fame often said that each one of us  has an invisible sign hanging from our neck that says `Please validate  Me!` So, we can validate others by taking them seriously, listening  to their ideas, and treating them with respect. That is one way of  being kind.   

Another way of being kind is by remembering details about others  and mentioning them when conversing. We may ask `How is your  daughter doing these days?` because we recall an earlier conversation  when they mentioned her illness. Or we comment on a project this  person had described to us, or a vacation they were planning to take.   

Being Interested in Others Shows Kindness   

Showing sincere interest in another's life and work is yet another  way of being kind. Recently on a trip to Hawaii I had the honor of  attending a memorial service of a friend, Professor David Chappell.  David had been on the faculty of the Religion Department at the  University of Hawaii and was a recognized scholar of Buddhism and  founder of the `Christian-Buddhist Dialogues` to increase mutual  understanding among religious groups. He was universally known  for his gentle and kind nature and his deep interest in others -- his  students, his colleagues, and people in general. David's life was  a huge influence on people because he was so consistently caring  about others, and because his kindness was strong and emerged from  his depth of character. He advanced his own ideas with grace and  decency, and always took the ideas of others into account, even if  he didn't share them. Kindness, he demonstrated, is not a sign of  weakness; it is, instead, a manifestation of strength.   

When We're Out of Balance, It's Hard to be Kind   

I observe that it's harder to be kind when you are out of balance,  `running on empty,` stressed-out. At such times the deficits of our  own needs trump the needs of others, and we find ourselves being  picky, or self-centered, or mean. As the ancient adage tells us, `You  can't give from an empty vessel.` Therefore, to be consistently kind in  our dealings with others, we must take good care of ourselves so that  our own basic needs are met. Being kind is not a technique, nor a  style, nor an affectation. It's a way of being.   

Recommendations   

Do a regular meditation on loving kindness and you will soon find  any abrasive edges of your manner begin to soften. Notice as well that  as you treat others more frequently with kindness, you will be a more  frequent recipient of kindness from others, including strangers. Plus,  your stress level will go down and your overall health and well-being  will improve.