Male Pattern Talking   

 As is now well known, men and women exhibit quite different  styles of talking. For example, women generally give more attention  to the relationship aspect of their talk, men to the content of their talk.   

One stylistic difference that stands out in conversation is that men  tend sometimes to lecture rather than to converse, and to do so more  frequently with women than men. That pattern can be a turn-off to  both men and women because they come across as know-it-alls, and  lectures don't give others much chance to talk..   

Why do men do this?   

Many men mention that they feel good informing others about  important topics. They think they are being of service through their acts  of enlightenment. Also, most likely, such demonstrations of knowledge  show them to be well-informed, in the loop, nobody's fool. In the  competitive world that most men experience, they get to be king of the  hill  at least for a short while.   

As well, men tend to be fixers-of-problems. A wife brings  up a concern about her workplace andthe husband quickly suggests a  solution. However, she does not want a solution. She wants only to  explore the problem. She wants feel heard, and perhaps some  sympathy. She doesn't want to be fixed.   

Examples of Male Pattern Talking   

Some time ago I had two medical appointments with my family  physician. During the first, one topic was aging and health. At that  time, my doctor went into lecture-mode and gave me a 10-minute  lecturette on the problems of senior men who didn't have hobbies  because they had been too involved with work in their lives. During  a rare pause, I mentioned that I had presented many seminars on this  topic, but he didn't seem to hear me and continued sharing what I  thought to be a pretty superficial commentary. During the second  appointment, he was his usual loquacious self and gave me several  more lecturettes on society and fast-food. Lecture mode, once in  operation, does not want to be interrupted.   

I openly admit to having had this tendency for a long time, and  only in recent years have I managed successfully to curtail my own  impulses to go into lecture-style. I used to attribute my tendency to the  fact that I actually lectured for a living at several universities. I  thought wrongly, as it turns out  that my job was to deliver my  ideas to students via direct transmission, or teaching as telling.  Slowly, I discovered that more and better student learning could be  accomplished when I asked questions and involved the students in  discussions among themselves -- collaborative learning. That way  students learned not only the content (facts, ideas, theories); they also  learned how to think for themselves and to discuss with others.   

Talking At vs. Talking With   

Few of us like to be talked at. We prefer to be talked with.  Conversation is best understood as a mutual endeavor, and male  pattern talking as in the lecture style does not achieve mutuality.  Instead, it feels to the listener like being parented or bossed, as  when a superior talks down to a subordinate.   

For men reading this, check to see if this is also your habit,  just as it was mine. If so, take steps to moderate the tendency,  which will significantly improve your social relations. For women,  you can choose to be more assertive and interrupt with questions,  summaries, and by saying Now let me share my own thoughts.  If you remain silent, a male converser may misinterpret that silence  as your approval, and you will continue to be spoken at rather than  spoken with.