Marital Conversations   

 A woman said to me: I get really frustrated when trying to tell my husband things that are concerning me. He seems to want to minimize what is troubling me and even gets upset when I bring it up. I don't understand why he has such a hard time just listening to me!   

I said, Consider this: Listening to your problems and complaints may be difficult for him if he thinks he is responsible for your happiness and solving your problems. Many men assume this impossible responsibility and then try to deal with a woman's problems as soon as they arise By offering a quick-fix solution or some "chin-up advice," the same responses they would give to another man.   

When a woman presents a man with a complex problem that can't be readily solved, he is stymied. Unused to exploring problems without resolving them and taking action, he may resort to discounting the problem situation and abruptly ending the conversation. If he continues to hear you out while he takes responsibility for handling the problem, he may end up feeling that he's failed. His worst fear  that he is inadequate as a man -- comes upon him.   

Among themselves, women are encouraged to talk about their insecurities. They can share with one another how inadequate they feel, how scared they are, their concerns about weight, appearance, and performance. But men,  having almost no tolerance for inadequacy in themselves, are mystified by women's willingness to reveal such vulnerabilities. Men would almost never reveal such weaknesses among themselves. The classic: Women are often puzzled that many men refuse to ask directions when trying to find an address in an unfamiliar area. To the man, asking directions implies "I can't figure this out by myself," and he'd prefer to drive extra miles rather than admit he's losta sign of inadequacy.   

This difference in how women and men accept and deal with personal flaws and failures is the source of much miscommunication. Because the typical man is so unaccustomed to dealing with his own emotional vulnerabilities, he may lack the skill to relate to the same feelings in others. For him to listen with empathy requires that he feel some of this vulnerability within himself. But he has trouble doing this because his male identity requires that he suppress such feelings of weakness.   

So I said to her, You might help your husband to listen to you if you make clear to him that you aren't asking him to solve any of these problems you present. If they are solely your concerns and he's not involved in them, let him know that you don't hold him responsible and that you just want him to understand what's happening with you. Saying these things can relieve him of his need to give you quick answers. If he doesn't think you are presenting a challenge to his masculine identity -- the sturdy oak who must hold everything together-- he may be comfortable enough to listen to your whole story.