Self-conscious About Your Conversation?  

 Get over it.   

Others notice less than we think they do. And in general, they judge us less harshly for our social mistakes. This cheery news just in from recent psychological research.   

Writing in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Savitsky and others concluded that People commonly believe . . that the social spotlight shines more brightly on them than it actually does, a phenomenon have dubbed the spotlight effect. (1)   

In fact much of the time others may be paying only divided attention. As indicated by the title of an excellent book by Laura Huxley, You Are Not the Target. In addition to you, people have other matters on their minds.   

How about the common concern that you will be judged harshly for your mistakes? The level of harshness is often overestimated, it appears. For example, if you feel stupid because youve forgotten the name of an acquaintance, it is likely that you are being judged only mildly, or not at all.   

Why? The others may be thinking of their own similar mistakes and therefore empathize with you. As well, they have other events to pay attention to, such as being thirsty, remembering a missed appointment, and noticing that a friend has just entered the room. Your blunders do not take place in a vacuum.   

Imagining that others are dwelling on your grammatical errors and mispronounced words or your uncombed hair stems from the focusing illusion that most of us are prone to. The person acting focusses upon his act while observers focus on multiple events.   

Knowing that others are less attentive and less judgemental than we have believed may allow you to get over it and be less concerned about what others think. However, if you find yourself regularly in the company of persons who closely monitor your behavior and harshly judge your mistakes, I recommend that you ease on down the road.   

(1) Savitsky, Kenneth, et al. Do Others Judge Us as Harshly as We Think? Overestimating the Impact of Our Failures, Shortcomings, and Mishaps. J. of Personality and Social Psychology 2001, Vol 81, No. 1, 44-56