Waitress Talk

Stopping by my table during the meal, Susie the waitress asks, Is everything all right?

I have long puzzled why waitpersons in mid-scale restaurants from Kauaito Kankakee and Kennebunkport rely on this stale question when interacting with patrons. (except in the U.S. South, where the waitress asks Is everything all right, Hon ?) Frankly, it seems to me more like a statement in interrogative form, meaning Please quickly agree that everything is all right. My frequent observation is that most patrons mumble an acquiescent Yes rather than a contentious No.

In more upscale restaurants I encounter a waiter reciting a memorized script, such as Good evening. My name is Reginald, and I'll be your waiter tonight. Our specials are . . . . Later, however, Reg is likely to stop by for a few moments to ask, Is everything all right?

Why does the typical waitress or waiter show so few conversational moves? Is it that the restaurant staff have only meager social skills? Or is it because they receive precious little training in how to converse with customers? The answers appear to Maybe and Yes: Maybe only few skills; probably very little training.

To check, I researched several widely-used texts and training manuals for waiters and waitresses and also the website of an expert consultant to restaurateurs. In those I found only brief mention of conversation with customers, such as Make appropriate small talk about the weather. So it appears that novice waitpersons must learn mainly by observing other staff through the apprenticeship of observation.

This seems odd, because the research on influence and selling clearly demonstrates that people are more influenced by and purchase more from people they like and respect, suggesting that a waiter with effective conversational skills would be able to create a larger tab and be tipped more generously than one who makes only perfunctory conversation.

In his classic book, Influence (1984), social psychologist Robert Cialdini describes the most successful waiter interacted in a pleasant and lively manner with all his customers, adapting his conversational style to the variety of patrons, such as families with children, elders, and dating couples. Doing so, he achieved liking . He was well versed on the menu and could describe items enticingly. Also, he would often recommend a lower-priced item instead of the higher one. Doing these things, he achieved credibility , a feeling that the waiter is on our side. Result? Higher tab and higher tip. Because the waiter demonstrated true hospitality, he created greater patron satisfaction and probably return business.

A short training program for waitpersons could yield big results. They could learn to address patrons by name We're glad you're joining us for dinner tonight, Mr. Jackson (having got his name from the reservation list or credit card). They could learn to engage in a variety of comfortable small talk about business, family, and the community. They could extend congratulations, especially for special occasions like anniversaries, birthdays, graduations, and promotions. They could offer genuine compliments.

Absent such waiter-initiated conversation, the average Patron (aka you) can create a a friendly relationship through conversation by calling the waitress by name, asking what she thinks is especially fresh and good on the bill of fare, asking how business has been, and expressing appreciation for useful guidance and good service. A waitress treated personally, warmly, and with appreciation will usually provide special attention to customers. I always use the name of the checkout clerk in the supermarket, the cashier in the bank, and the waitperson in the restaurant, simply by glancing at their name badge. Nearly all of them brighten up when hearing their name and being looked in the eyes. Such small behaviors can make a big difference.

So, Is everything all right?

Actually, no, Susie, everything's not all right. I'd like you to take a minute to talk to me, engage me, and treat me like a real person. After all, I'm coming here not just for the food and decor, but also for hospitality. Please give me a few servings of that.

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life. His articles and programs strengthen critical communication skills for business and professional people.