Your Most Valuable Conversations  

 Which of your conversations are most rewarding?  For me, the most rewarding conversations are those which   

--offer pure enjoyment 
--build or deepen the relationship 
--provide most new learning 
--stimulate self-discovery 
--are most fun and creative 

Your criteria may be different. However, I'd guess that  your most rewarding conversations, like mine, occur with a  small percentage of the people you talk with, the vital few.   

We may spend more time and give more attention to selecting  a piece of apparel or a menu item than selecting the people we talk  to. We may attend a mixer or meeting and seat ourselves next to  people we don't find interesting, congenial, or willing to share ideas.  If we don't choose, we get only the luck of the draw.   

Choose the People You Talk To   

For some years I have been applying the Pareto Principle,  otherwise known as the 80/20 rule to my selection of conversation  partners. This principle states that there is an imbalance between  causes and results, inputs and outputs, and effort and reward. Further,  it says that the best results or rewards are derived from a small  proportion of the causes or inputs and suggests that while the  majority have little impact, a small minority have a major impact.   

As a rule of thumb, this principle predicts that we'll get 80%  of our value from 20% of the people we interact with. This rule  has been borne out by my observation over time and is now my  rule of thumb.   

Sometimes, of course, we have little choice in the matter,  as when we are seated next to a stranger on a flight, or when seating  is pre-arranged at a formal dinner. On a flight we can usually decide  to converse or not, depending on the willingness of the person in  the adjacent seat. At a dinner, we normally must be at least  polite, but we can also minimize the talk if it is not satisfying.   

In most situations, however, we have the ability and right  to select whom we engage. We can arrive early, make the  rounds and introduce ourselves to people we don't already  know, make an initial assessment of who are most engaging  and potentially rewarding, and be assertive so that we can  spend more time with those. We can ask Would you join  me at this table? or we can engage them in talk instead of  others who happen our way. We can de-select people who  are dominators, or argumentative, or stiff and opinionated.  We can select those who are mutual, tolerant, and open.   

On my recent flight from Toronto to Dallas, I was  seated next to a woman from rural Ontario on her way to a  week-long ministerial program in Oklahoma. For the three  hours of the flight, she did most of the talking, which was  just fine with me. I learned about her recovery from a lethal  form of pernicious anemia through faith healing after doctors  had given up on her condition. Later, I learned about her  special gift of horse-whispering, a talent she used to train  Arabian horses for endurance races of 100 miles. And of her  escape with three children from an abusive husband who was  tracking her in the remote woods to kill them. I asked questions  and listened to her fascinating life-story. Our conversation was  very satisfying and rewarding.   

If she had not been the open person she was, or if she  had wanted to argue dogmatic religious points with me,  I would have declined the opportunity and opted out with  a nap or some reading. We almost always have a choice,  and I had a choice even when strapped into seat B next to her  seat A. I chose to converse and was rewarded.   

It's amazing but usually accurate: 80% of the value of  your interactions will occur with only 20% of the people  you converse with. Be selective. Get more value.