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"Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it."

--Robert Frost

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself."

(Check your answer at the end of today's article.)

"An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me."

--Ambrose Bierce

en-KOH-mee-um

glowing and warmly enthusiastic praise

Example

"The speech was wonderfully delivered and deserved the encomiums of those who heard it."

"The highest purpose of communication is communing, which is becoming one with each other."

So wrote relationship experts Barry and Joyce Vissell in their book,"The Shared Heart"

Sadly, many families and groups of friends who come together during the holiday season have only superficial conversations. However, by using some simple agreements and some questions as conversation-starters, they can have a much richer and more enjoyable time of sharing their life experiences.

First, what gets in the way?

Five main impediments to quality family conversations:

Fortunately, those five factors can be minimized.

Here are four basic methods that increase the quality and satisfaction of conversation for a group of family and friends talking together:

--Take turns talking.

-- Listen respectfully and seek to understand

-- Share personal experience that has meaning

--Speak briefly, no more than a few minutes

3. Use some "conversation-starter" questions that evoke personal stories. Creative starters can make the contributions more spontaneous, less rehearse.

4. Rotate hosts, with that one person keeping the process on track with focus and time management.

A few years ago I surveyed 32 American families to learn what children and adults would most like to hear from each other. From the survey results I wrote a long list of questions and topics for memory-images and assembled a "Better Conversation Kit" that could be used for gatherings of family and friends. I discovered that young people were interested in hearing stories of the elders' life experiences. (This kit has been revised and will be available soon at www.conversationmatters.com, the "conversation tools" link.)

Two other items that are helpful:

● a timer that keeps sharing within the time limits. (Three to six minutes has been a good range of time when I've used this method for a church picnic, group workshop, and groups of friends.) An inexpensive 3-minute sand timer or watch with a second hand work well.

● a "talking object": Almost any object will work. A stick or a ball, or a family memento, for example. Only the person holding the object gets to talk.

I can hardly think of all the benefits there are to family conversations when they're well-conducted. Kids learn a lot of new information, certainly. But they also learn how to converse with civility; they increase their speaking vocabularies and learn more accurate pronunciation; and they practice adapting their behavior to others in order to hold their attention.

Finally, let me mention this excellent program: Called "Eat, Talk, Connect," an activity now being used in some communities around the nation. I talked with the coordinator of such a program in Park Rapids, MN (Ms. Mari Jo Lohmeier) and learned that when school children had family meals at least 3 times a week, they got better grades and were less prone to start smoking or get involved with drugs. As well, because of parents' meal planning, everyone had better nutrition, which resulted in better health.

Famous Words: Who Said This?

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself."

Answer: Kahlil Gibran

I have designated Thanksgiving Week as "Better Conversation Week" in Chase's Calendar of Holidays and Events. More than any other holiday of the year, Thanksgiving is the time that families and friends usually get together for a special feast and quality time together.

To enrich the experience of the conversation, I've created and revised the "Better Family Conversation Kit" with 200 conversation starter items in 6 categories plus a variety of bonus processes that can be used in only a few minutes by pairs and small groups.

In the next issue I'll announce the newly revised and improved kit that you can get on my website.

Loren Ekroth ©2009, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.