Revised, updated, enriched version is now available for family gatherings and groups of friends. This downloadable kit gives simple instructions for how to host group conversations by using starters in 6 topic areas. Many bonus activities have been added, including how to record special conversations for posterity. See on products page, www.conversationmatters.com/products.html

Offer for free kit: To the first 10 readers who tell me they'll try the new edition of the Better Family Conversation Kit with some family and/or friends and send me feedback on this experience - I'll send a downloadable copy to print out and use.

"Give Brain Candy: Feed Kids' Minds, not Their Cavities." That's the motto of http://www.booksfortreats.org/. Begun 3 years ago by a friend in San Jose, this program is now spreading around the U. S.--to the delight of most parents and teachers. (Method:Buy "gently-used" children's books at library and garage sales and give out instead of candy.)

Above website has plenty of suggestions for how to do this. Take a look. Also tell your local librarians of the program.

I learned from financial media that even wealthy persons are prudent and look for good deals and best prices. You can, too. Purchase a 2010 Entertainment Book (at a discount) on my website homepage, www.conversationmatters.com. You'll save a lot with hundreds of discounts.

"To listen closely and reply well is the highest perfection we are able to attain in the art of conversation."

--Fran©ois de La Rochefoucauld

Ninth annual "Better Conversation Week," Nov. 23-29, 2009. A chance to engage in rich, meaningful conversation when you get together with family and friends during Thanksgiving week. (The processes of the Better Conversation Kit show you how.)

"Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing."

a. Oliver Goldsmith b. Albert Schweitzer

c. Eleanor Roosevelt d. Rudyard Kipling

Check your answer at the end of today's article.

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

--Rodney Dangerfield

Meaning: creating dissension or dischord

"Bernie's comments were so divisive that the meeting adjourned."

(Say the word aloud, then check pronunciation at end of today's article.)

in-VEK-tiv

Meaning

*1 : an abusive expression or speech

2 : insulting or abusive language

Example Sentence

"Despite the wife's pleas to stop, her angry husband continued to hurl invective."

Sometimes or often feel you're treated disrespectfully? Well, you're probably in the majority.

According to a national study done 10 years ago (Bozell Worldwide/U. S. News & World Report, "Civility in America Study," 1999,

● 79 percent said lack of respect is a serious problem

● 60 percent said rude and selfish behavior is increasing

● 88 percent sometimes encountered rude people

● 77 percent see clerks ignoring customers

● 56 percent are bothered by foul language

And that study was done 10 years ago. Many, I among them, believe disrespectful behavior has increased since 1999.

Why have these changes happened in a few decades? I am not a sociologist, but I'd suggest these influences:

--Single-parent families, greatly increased in the past half-century. It's very difficult to instill good values and behaviors with only one beleaguered parent.

--Major media, including "tough-guy" language as in gangsta-rap and yelling contests masquerading as debate on main-stream TV. Humans learn most of their behaviors by modeling - imitating others.

--Clash of cultures and surge in population across the land.

--Stress factors stemming from unemployment, poverty, and wide-spread anxiety.

There are certainly other factors, but the above seem likely.

Now --

Although it is sometimes satisfying to think of the "good old days" of my youth, a time when chewing gum or whispering in a classroom might get you a visit with the principal and a phone call to your parents, or when talking back to your mother would get you into serious trouble with your father, I must deal with the present social realities as they are. The realities I see include, among others,

--People's pushing ahead in lines at sporting events, concerts, and store sales.

--Kids yelling at parents and parents yelling at kids in supermarkets.

--An increase in "casual" profanity by kids, teens, and grown-ups.

--Decrease in civility when people discuss controversial issues. Like name-calling.

--Unruly students at most grade levels, so report by my experienced teacher friends.

--Increasing encounters with aggressive drivers and road rage.

What are we to do? Some ideas:

So that I don't seem like a Pollyanna, please understand that I know there are subcultures in our society where "rough treatment" like verbal bullying is accepted as standard and usual. Years ago, I worked in some of those, including the ore boats on the Great Lakes and building an oil pipeline with roughnecks. If I wanted the temporary job, I adapted and put up with tough and dirty verbiage. It wasn't such a big deal.

But in otherwise "civil" society, including those places where I am a customer or a guest, I expect an absence of rudeness from clerks, waiters, and even fellow customers. I expect the behavior at the DMV to be civil, I expect the post office clerks to be polite, and I expect waiters to be friendly.

The positive results you can get from respectful and appreciative interpersonal behavior don't seem to be well known to many. In her book, "The Power of Respect," Deborah Norville explains how to benefit from "the most forgotten element of success." In her books like "Care Packages for Your Customers" and "Handle with Care" (about treating employees respectfully), Barbara Glanz demonstrates that caring and respect are good for business.

If you are finding that, like Rodney Dangerfield, you, too, "don't get no respect," you might wish to do a bit of reading to increase your skills in handling rude people. Among the best recent books I have examined are "The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude, by P. M. Forni (2008). The author poses dozens of typical problem situations, then offers appropriate solutions. If you're concerned about your own children's rude behaviors, find good advice in "Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World," by Jill Rigby (2006)

Famous Words: Who Said These?

"Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing."

Answer: Albert Schweitzer

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Pronounce-a-thon: divisive (adj)

Preferred: dih-VY-siv (rhymes with decisive)

Less common: dih-VIH-siv (rhymes with dismissive)

Source: American Heritage Dictionary

Loren Ekroth ©2009, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.