I have written that "Conversation is like a dance: You must know the steps and you must dance in step with your partner." I would also add, "Masterful conversation requires you to know the steps of many dances. Most people know only one or two of the simpler kind, like the fox trot and the waltz. But how about the samba and the tango and the polka? And a dozen others required for different contexts?" Loren Ekroth

"You see things and you say, 'Why?' But I see things that never were, and I say 'Why not?'" a. Aldous Huxley b. George Bernard Shaw c. Buckminster Fuller d. Emily Dickinson (Check your answer at the end of today's article.)

a. Aldous Huxley

b. George Bernard Shaw

c. Buckminster Fuller

d. Emily Dickinson

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

im-BROHL-yoh a complicated situation; a painful or embarrassing misunderstanding embroilment "At this time, Tiger Woods seems to be caught up in a major imbroglio."

I will probably be relocating during spring 2010 to the town of Rhinebeck, NY, in the Hudson River Valley. If any subscriber lives nearby or are familiar with this town and area, I'd like to communicate with you as I make my decision and plans. Great thanks! Please write me at loren@conversationmatters.com

Habits of any kind are notoriously difficult to change or eliminate. Each new year, many people make mighty resolutions to lose weight, save money, and exercise more. Alas, within a short time, most of these resolutions fail, and for solid psychological reasons. Many readers of my articles have written to me that they seek ways to improve their conversational skills. Therefore, this article is devoted to helping them (or you) do that by eliminating one troublesome habit at a time. Focusing on one at a time greatly increases the possibility of success. A simple step-by-step procedure for changing habits: 1. Identify a short list of your troublesome habits of talk. Some of these you are already aware of. Others are blind to you, and you'll need feedback from friends to notice them. Here are some very common habits that cause difficulty during conversation: --"Take-aways" that pull the focus of conversation back to you. Example: The speaker begins to describe a movie she saw, and you abruptly jump in to describe a different movie or to comment on her description. --Interrupting before the other speaker completes their thoughts. This usually stems from impatience and the eagerness to be heard. --Pre-scripting: Rehearsing what you plan to say instead of listening to what the speaker is saying. --Contradicting. Seeking to deny the validity of another`s opinion or viewpoint because it differs from your own. (Often begins with a "Yes, but . . ." preface.) Other habits to consider changing: Talking too loudly or too softly, or too fast, mumbling, overtalk (when others are talking); using inappropriate slang or profanity; unwanted advice-giving; "poor me" victim-talk; "show-off" talk with big words and references. 2. Consider the positive and negative consequences of one of the habits you've identified. A good way to do this is to write the name of the habit at the top of a sheet of paper, draw a line down the center, then list the plusses and minuses of repeating that habit. Also, list any rewards (pay-offs) for eliminating the habit. Thinking about a habit makes it more conscious, and awareness is a solvent to reduce the power of habits. 3. Think of an alternative behavior to use instead of the habit that causes trouble. As we know, "Nature abhors a vacuum," and replacing a habit with a more helpful behavior will assist you in eliminating it. The new habit will "crowd out" the old habit. Cheery news, indeed! For example, instead of contradicting a speaker, inquire. Ask the person how he came to that opinion or conclusion. Or, instead of interrupting impatiently, take a few breaths and hear fully what the other wants to say. 4. Write down your goal and read it daily, and at least once in the morning. Read over the rewards for making the change, such as more harmonious relationships, or deeper understanding of others` ideas. As a reminder that you are seeking to change your behavior, install a reminder "trigger" such as wearing your watch on the other wrist. (For a bit of extra "zing," some habit-changers put a rubber band on their wrist and give it a brisk snap whenever they catch themselves expressing the unwanted habit.) 5. Give yourself time to install the change. Usually two or three weeks is sufficient. Habits that have been exercised for years do not yield to instant change, but each day of mindful practice will weaken the old habit and strengthen the new one. 6. Keeping track of practice: A fun and easy way, the 5-penny method. Men: Put 5 pennies in one pocket and move a penny to another pocket each time you've practiced a new skill to replace an unwanted habit. Women: Use a coin purse for the pennies and move a penny into another purse for each practice time. Five times each day? Easy. 7 days x 5 practices = 35 practices each week. (Yes, it's OK to do more than 5 each day. Or fewer than 5 if opportunities for practice don't arise. Over time you'll have fewer chances to practice because you will have weakened and maybe eliminated the unwanted habit. Sometimes old habits will reappear even when we think we have made a permanent change. Don't be deterred if this happens. Under conditions of stress, we humans tend to revert to the old ways. Re-think your goal and begin again and you will succeed in your higher value of becoming a more skillful conversationalist. How much would even one habit change be worth? My guess? A lot.

Other habits to consider changing: Talking too loudly or too softly, or too fast, mumbling, overtalk (when others are talking); using inappropriate slang or profanity; unwanted advice-giving; "poor me" victim-talk; "show-off" talk with big words and references. 2. Consider the positive and negative consequences of one of the habits you've identified. A good way to do this is to write the name of the habit at the top of a sheet of paper, draw a line down the center, then list the plusses and minuses of repeating that habit. Also, list any rewards (pay-offs) for eliminating the habit. Thinking about a habit makes it more conscious, and awareness is a solvent to reduce the power of habits. 3. Think of an alternative behavior to use instead of the habit that causes trouble. As we know, "Nature abhors a vacuum," and replacing a habit with a more helpful behavior will assist you in eliminating it. The new habit will "crowd out" the old habit. Cheery news, indeed! For example, instead of contradicting a speaker, inquire. Ask the person how he came to that opinion or conclusion. Or, instead of interrupting impatiently, take a few breaths and hear fully what the other wants to say. 4. Write down your goal and read it daily, and at least once in the morning. Read over the rewards for making the change, such as more harmonious relationships, or deeper understanding of others` ideas. As a reminder that you are seeking to change your behavior, install a reminder "trigger" such as wearing your watch on the other wrist. (For a bit of extra "zing," some habit-changers put a rubber band on their wrist and give it a brisk snap whenever they catch themselves expressing the unwanted habit.) 5. Give yourself time to install the change. Usually two or three weeks is sufficient. Habits that have been exercised for years do not yield to instant change, but each day of mindful practice will weaken the old habit and strengthen the new one. 6. Keeping track of practice: A fun and easy way, the 5-penny method. Men: Put 5 pennies in one pocket and move a penny to another pocket each time you've practiced a new skill to replace an unwanted habit. Women: Use a coin purse for the pennies and move a penny into another purse for each practice time. Five times each day? Easy. 7 days x 5 practices = 35 practices each week. (Yes, it's OK to do more than 5 each day. Or fewer than 5 if opportunities for practice don't arise. Over time you'll have fewer chances to practice because you will have weakened and maybe eliminated the unwanted habit. Sometimes old habits will reappear even when we think we have made a permanent change. Don't be deterred if this happens. Under conditions of stress, we humans tend to revert to the old ways. Re-think your goal and begin again and you will succeed in your higher value of becoming a more skillful conversationalist. How much would even one habit change be worth? My guess? A lot.

Other habits to consider changing: Talking too loudly or too softly, or too fast, mumbling, overtalk (when others are talking); using inappropriate slang or profanity; unwanted advice-giving; "poor me" victim-talk; "show-off" talk with big words and references.

2. Consider the positive and negative consequences of one of the habits you've identified. A good way to do this is to write the name of the habit at the top of a sheet of paper, draw a line down the center, then list the plusses and minuses of repeating that habit. Also, list any rewards (pay-offs) for eliminating the habit. Thinking about a habit makes it more conscious, and awareness is a solvent to reduce the power of habits. 3. Think of an alternative behavior to use instead of the habit that causes trouble. As we know, "Nature abhors a vacuum," and replacing a habit with a more helpful behavior will assist you in eliminating it. The new habit will "crowd out" the old habit. Cheery news, indeed!

For example, instead of contradicting a speaker, inquire. Ask the person how he came to that opinion or conclusion. Or, instead of interrupting impatiently, take a few breaths and hear fully what the other wants to say. 4. Write down your goal and read it daily, and at least once in the morning. Read over the rewards for making the change, such as more harmonious relationships, or deeper understanding of others` ideas. As a reminder that you are seeking to change your behavior, install a reminder "trigger" such as wearing your watch on the other wrist. (For a bit of extra "zing," some habit-changers put a rubber band on their wrist and give it a brisk snap whenever they catch themselves expressing the unwanted habit.) 5. Give yourself time to install the change. Usually two or three weeks is sufficient. Habits that have been exercised for years do not yield to instant change, but each day of mindful practice will weaken the old habit and strengthen the new one. 6. Keeping track of practice: A fun and easy way, the 5-penny method. Men: Put 5 pennies in one pocket and move a penny to another pocket each time you've practiced a new skill to replace an unwanted habit. Women: Use a coin purse for the pennies and move a penny into another purse for each practice time. Five times each day? Easy. 7 days x 5 practices = 35 practices each week. (Yes, it's OK to do more than 5 each day. Or fewer than 5 if opportunities for practice don't arise. Over time you'll have fewer chances to practice because you will have weakened and maybe eliminated the unwanted habit. Sometimes old habits will reappear even when we think we have made a permanent change. Don't be deterred if this happens. Under conditions of stress, we humans tend to revert to the old ways. Re-think your goal and begin again and you will succeed in your higher value of becoming a more skillful conversationalist. How much would even one habit change be worth? My guess? A lot.

Famous Words: Who Said This?

Loren Ekroth ©2009, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.