With all those holidays upon me (Groundhog Day, Valentine's Day, Chinese New Year), and my birthday just behind me, I took a 2-week vacation from writing and publishing "Better Conversations." Now, rested and ready, I publish today's issue. (Since March 2002, I have published about 50 issues each year.)

With all those holidays upon me (Groundhog Day,

Valentine's Day, Chinese New Year), and my birthday

just behind me, I took a 2-week vacation from writing and

publishing "Better Conversations." Now, rested and ready,

I publish today's issue. (Since March 2002, I have published about 50 issues each year.)

books related to conversation skills at my website,

www.conversationmatters.com. Click Bookstore link.

Yes, I have read all of these books and have occasionally

referred to some of them. Now they are all in one place

and easy to browse. Take a look.

"Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today."

Phil Connors in Groundhog Day movie (1993) played by Bill Murray.

Patient capitalism deals with entrepreneurs who live in poverty, dealing with survival on a daily basis. The Grameen Bank fosters such an approach, one that listens to those who seek micro-loans and allows time for entrepreneurs to develop their projects.

Which movie is this from?

a) Casablanca (1942)

b) Robin and the 7 Hoods (1964)

c) Arthur (1981)

d) Barfly (1983)

Check your answer at the end of today's article.

On my desk, I have a work station.

"Before we pursue this delicate subject further it might be wise to define intoxication. If you wake up in bed with your hat on you, it's my guess you may have been addled on retirement." (FYI, "addled" means "drunk.")

--Tallulah Bankhead, 1902 - 1968

A recent Pew poll showed that only 26 percent of Americans know that 60 votes are required to break a Senate filibuster.

For example, you might be concerned with "What do I say next?"

Or, maybe you'd be stymied by one of these challenging situations:

Meeting and talking to famous people

Defending yourself when verbally attacked

Understanding complex messages accurately

Networking successfully

Making and retaining new friends

Managing a work team on a project

The more options you have in your conversation repertoire, the

more effective you can be. A technical term for this is "the law of requisite variety." The person with the largest variety of moves can influence the outcome of the conversation. For

example: The salesperson with a larger number of responses

than a buyer has objections can usually make the sale.

An example of having too few effective options:

Non-assertive people become doormats when others

treat them unfairly or disdainfully. They become insecure and

socially anxious. They don't know how to defend themselves

At the start of the "assertiveness movement," psychologist Manuel Smith wrote the first of several books entitled "When I say no, I Feel Guilty" (1975). One of his conclusions was that people who lacked assertive communication skills suffered from social anxiety, even clinical depression. But they didn't need psychotherapy; they needed more effective communication skills through behavior practice. When they acquired and used those skills, their anxiety disappeared.

Same Behavior, Same Results

Many of you have seen the 1993 movie, Groundhog Day, starring Bill Murray, who played the arrogant weatherman Phil Connors. Until he changed his attitudes and the way he treated others, each one of his days was the same. People disliked him. He had no real friends. Finally, when he "got it" and made real changes, his days were different and positive.

One of the most common conversation deficiencies is overuse

of the "take-away" ploy. This happens when A begins to describe a topic and B grabs the topic and scoots off before A finishes.

This behavior is fairly easy to identify, but, like most long term habits, it is usually hard to change.

Example: A friend from my church phoned me with a few questions. As I began to answer each question, he hitch-hiked on my words and took over the conversation. In fact, he did this about 6 times during our 15-minute conversation. After our phone talk, he noticed what he had done.

However, awareness was not enough for him to make a change. When he had two other phone conversations immediately afterwards, he did the same thing, over and over. Off-putting? Yes.

What does he need to do to change?

He needs to work on one habit at a time, and probably for 30 days. Why so long? Because the neural pathways in his brain that produce the same (now unwanted) behavior are well-developed, and it will take time to weaken them by replacing the old pattern with a new one. For example, instead of a "take-away," to say "Tell me more."

Here's a simple format for his (or your) change:

As Napoleon Hill (author of Think and Grow Rich) wrote:

"It is always your next move."

What's YOUR next move?

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine."

Which movie is this from?

Answer: Casablanca (1942), spoken by Humphrey Bogart

Loren Ekroth ©2010, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.