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Take a look at this excellent book, "The Art of Focused Conversation," in our bookstore: http://astore.amazon.com/conversati05c-20/detail/0865714169(Browse 70 other carefully selected books on conversation.)

"When I get ready to talk to people, I spend two thirds of the time thinking what they want to hear and one third thinking about what I want to say."

Abraham Lincoln

Dr. Charles Tart coined and substituted what he feels to be a more accurate term: for "normal consciousness," --consensus trance. Together, human groups agree on which of their perceptions should be admitted to awareness (hence, consensus), then they train each other to see the world in that way and only in that way (hence trance).

"I'll have what she's having."

Which movie is this line from?

a) Waitress b) When Harry Met Sally

c) Alice's Restaurant d) The Blue Diner

(Check your answer at the end of today's article

"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."

Brian O'Driscoll, Irish Rugby Coach

Here's a provocative thought. Think it through, talk it over. Does this fit your experience? What's your evidence? Explore the thought with a friend.

"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge."

--Charles Darwin 1809-1882

Amazing: Both Charles Darwin and Abraham Lincoln were born on the same day, Feb. 12, 1809. These two are among the most influential men in modern history.

Fast-forward to 2010 with these two examples:

1. I invite an acquaintance to a dinner and social evening at my home. She replies, "Thanks, I'll try to make it."

Should I set a place for her at the table? Probably not.

She is being polite, and the connotation of what she says is "I'll be there." But the chance is better than 50/50 that she won't attend.

(As Yoda said in Star Wars, "Do or do not... there is no try.")

2. I ask a fellow, "We need help serving at our church potluck dinner on Sunday. Can you help out?" He says, "Count on me."

But he doesn't show up, so we're short-handed.

Later, when I see these two people, they may not even mention not having kept their agreement, implying that I should understand because "something came up," or "it slipped my mind." No apology needed.

What's going on here? Do words have no weight?

It appears that these folks think talk is cheap and that keeping your word is not important. However: Here's a principle that's solid:

Your agreements show your integrity.

Therefore, take all agreements seriously, and don't make any agreements you don't plan to keep, or cannot keep. As well, make sure your agreements are clear. If the agreement involves money or other assets, put it in writing.

Recently a friend told me of a woman who temporarily shared his apartment. A nurse, she would be able to help him from time to time (he has a serious heart condition.) At one point she told him that she was in financial difficulty and asked for a loan of $1500 with a promise to pay him back "soon." He agreed and gave her the $1500 based on her verbal promise to pay him back "soon."

A few weeks later she paid him $200 "on account." Shortly after, she moved out and went to another state, no forwarding address. With no way of contacting her, he has said goodbye to $1300.

Have you been having this experience with people whose word is not good?

If so, here are a few things you can do, starting with yourself:

If a person makes and doesn't keep agreements with others, it is likely that they don't keep agreements with themselves, either. They tell themselves they are going to do something like study for a test, but they don't do it.

We can be friendly and civil to people we know even if their word is not good. (We may even have relatives or co-workers who are well known for not keeping their agreements, especially if money is involved.) But, if that's the situation with you, follow the advice of Polonius to his hotheaded son Laertes (in Shakespeare's Hamlet):

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be,

For loan oft loses both itself and friend,

And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry."

Movie Talk: "I'll have what she's having."

Answer: When Harry Met Sally (1989)

After Sally fakes orgasm in a deli, an older woman customer says to waiter "I'll have what she's having ..."

Loren Ekroth ©2010, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.