You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, by

In my view, the very best book in print on this topic. Readable and engaging. Professor Tannen distills a large number of studies on how the two genders use language and interact into bite-size nuggets of understandable and useful knowledge. Check it out on my website's bookstore (along with 80 other books related to conversation.)

http://astore.amazon.com/conversati05c-20?node=1&page=5

"For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships."

Deborah Tannen, sociolinguist

From the WHM website:

Acknowledge people for a job well done. Yes,

kids, too. A verbal pat on the back does wonders

to lift a person's spirits.

Some useful foreign words have no equivalent word in English, such as this word from German

Pronunciation: SHAD-duhn-ˌfroy-dih

Etymology: German, from Schaden damage + Freude joy

Meaning: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others

"Harry experienced a satisfying feeling of schadenfreude upon learning his political opponent was immersed in an bribery investigation."

ih-KLEK-tik

Example

"The new art gallery offered an eclectic mix of modern paintings."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

Why don't men stop to ask for directions when they're lost?

Why do women "beat around the bush" before getting to the point?

Answers to these and many other questions illuminate the fact that their patterns of conversation are often quite different.

However, if you consider men and women as two different cultures, you'll understand why they sometimes communicate in significantly different ways.

We have many different cultures within our society. Gender is only one of them - but probably the largest. A culture consists of the set of shared attitudes, values, goals, and practices that characterizes an institution, organization, or group. Cultures are learned ways of behaving, and we commonly speak of "military culture," or "academic culture," and even "gang culture."

Fifty years ago (1961), British scientist C. P. Snow published a small book titled "The Two Cultures" that expanded on a lecture he had given. Its thesis was that the breakdown of communication between the "two cultures" of the sciences

and the humanities was an obstacle to solving the world's problems. Because he was a participant in both of those cultures (he was a novelist as well as a trained scientist), he understood well the communication breakdown.

But we spoke less commonly of "male culture" and "female culture." Until some important publications in the 1980s, such as Carol Gilligan's book In a Different Voice (1982), which described the powerful messages young girls receive from those around them. Girls are expected to be compliant, quiet and introspective. They soon learn that they should suppress any open expression of aggression or even strong non-compliant feelings. They also learn...to value relationships more than rules. In a popular book -- followed by seminars and workshops around the U. S. Author John Gray developed our understanding of how men and women relate differently. In his 1992 best-seller, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Gray described the many ways men and women relate differently, almost as if were aliens from different planets. His series of Mars and Venus books have greatly assisted men and women in better understanding and making adjustments to the other gender. The seminal book on how men and women use language differently in conversation is You Just Don't Understand, by linguist Deborah Tannen (1990). Dr. Tannen carefully studied hundreds of transcripts of men and women talking as couples and also with members of their own gender and was able to identify the patterns from real-life conversations. (As well, she reviewed the research of other investigators who studied, for example, boys at play and girls at play.) So, why don't men ask for directions? Or, for that matter, ask questions when they don't understand in a business meeting? Because men, more than women, are concerned with their status in a hierarchy of others. Boys and men work hard to preserve their independence. Thus, "not knowing" is a sign of weakness and loss of status. And why do women go on at length when describing the events of their day - and want to be listened to and understood? Because, more than the men seeking independence, women seek connection, and their principal instrument for doing that is talk. By sharing details and feelings, they are trying to achieve rapport - emotional connection - with others. Girls and women feel it is crucial to be liked by their peers; boys and men are positioning themselves in a hierarchy of other males and want to be respected for their accomplishments and independence.

But we spoke less commonly of "male culture" and "female culture." Until some important publications in the 1980s, such as Carol Gilligan's book In a Different Voice (1982), which described the powerful messages young girls receive from those around them. Girls are expected to be compliant, quiet and introspective. They soon learn that they should suppress any open expression of aggression or even strong non-compliant feelings. They also learn...to value relationships more than rules.

In a popular book -- followed by seminars and workshops around the U. S. Author John Gray developed our understanding of how men and women relate differently. In his 1992 best-seller, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Gray described the many ways men and women relate differently, almost as if were aliens from different planets. His series of Mars and Venus books have greatly assisted men and women in better understanding and making adjustments to the other gender.

The seminal book on how men and women use language differently in conversation is You Just Don't Understand, by linguist Deborah Tannen (1990). Dr. Tannen carefully studied hundreds of transcripts of men and women talking as couples and also with members of their own gender and was able to identify the patterns from real-life conversations. (As well,

she reviewed the research of other investigators who studied, for example, boys at play and girls at play.)

So, why don't men ask for directions? Or, for that matter, ask questions when they don't understand in a business meeting? Because men, more than women, are concerned with their status in a hierarchy of others. Boys and men work hard to preserve their independence. Thus, "not knowing" is a sign of weakness and loss of status.

And why do women go on at length when describing the events of their day - and want to be listened to and understood? Because, more than the men seeking independence, women seek connection, and their principal instrument for doing that is talk. By sharing details and feelings, they are trying to achieve rapport - emotional connection - with others.

Girls and women feel it is crucial to be liked by their peers; boys and men are positioning themselves in a hierarchy of other males and want to be respected for their accomplishments and independence.

You could say, by comparison, that men's talk becomes more of a "report language" that is brief and objective ("in their head,") while the patterns of women's talk is more of a "rapport language" filled with nuanced feelings and often indirectness like hints and questions that are intended as statements. The man wants her to get to the point and and then fix her problem, and she wants to talk it over in

detail so that she feels connected to and understood by him.

These are only two of the various patterns of difference between men and women. They are among dozens of others I'll be publishing soon in a small book of conversation habits that men and women struggle to understand and adjust to with the opposite sex.

The Biblical city of Babylon would be in what country today?

Answer: Iraq

(Words this issue: 1058 Est. Reading Time: 4 minutes)

1. Great Book You Could Use

2. Conversation Quotation

3. Women's History Month

4. Brighten Someone's Day

5. Word-a-Week

6. Useful Foreign Word

7. Jest Words

8. Today's Article: Men Talk, Women Talk

9. Today's Answer

Loren Ekroth ©2010, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.