Many thanks! Last week I received notice of nearly 3 dozen new subscribers - thanks to your efforts.

Another great way to spread the word about this ezine is to include excerpts of any newsletter in your own messages or publications (with website URL, www.conversationmatters.com)

When you invite new subscribers, you are paying

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"A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself" --Lisa Kirk

PYUR-ul

1 : juvenile

2 : childish, silly

Example Sentence

Yardley found the joking around of his co-workers to be more puerile than funny. But "boys will be boys," he thought.

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."

"To paraphrase Raymond Chandler, if character were elastic, John Edwards wouldn't have enough to make suspenders for a parakeet." -Maureen Dowd's column, "Kicking the Hornet's Nest," NY Times, July 7, 2010

www.yummly.com

"A Recipe Search Engine to

Spice Up Your Cooking!"

As this website says, "Yummly indexes more

than 500,000 recipes! Amazing!

You can search according to your preferences such as

"French" or "vegetarian." I like fish and quickly found a

recipe for "pan-seared tuna with ginger-shiitake

cream sauce." Yummmmm.

So, what are you in the mood for?

(Note: If you understand and apply ideas in today's article, your payoff could be worth at least $250,000 in added income

through professional development, job promotions, or

greater sales commissions. Not to mention the costs saved by avoiding an unwanted divorce.)

Why You Don't Change

I mean, "Why people don't change," and this probably includes you.

Specifically, I mean "People don't change their conversation

habits." The husband who always wants to "fix" any problem

his wife brings up; the person who almost always does a "take-away" when you describe a book you're reading or trip you took; certain persons feeling obligated to respond with "Yes, but . . ." to any point you make.

Etcetera.

Why don't people change such dysfunctional habits? Here are

some reasons why:

Many of these habits are emotional, and they've been programmed--formed - early in life. Ever tried to change a habit like biting your nails, or eating sweets? It's very difficult because it's emotionally based, and the emotional "reasons" are out of awareness. More directly, a communication habit may resist change. Example: Those who cannot express negative emotions may engage in passive-aggressive behaviors that provide a means of redirecting their feelings.

How much feedback does a change require in how you use your voice? For example, to speak up more loudly? If you grew up in a quite family and were often told to "pipe down," speaking up will feel very uncomfortable for

you - even if doing so improves your communication at meetings. Therefore you may resist helpful coaching feedback from a supervisor.

Other reasons you (and most others) don't change include:

(Troublesome behaviors are hard - but not impossible - to change.)

Choosing to make behavior changes to improve your communication is not related to your intellectual IQ. Instead, it's related to your EQ (Emotional Intelligence) and your SQ (Social Intelligence.) When you value your relationships and your ability to get along with others and optimize your communication, you understand that the payoffs for changing are considerable and long-lasting. Change may mean

to reduce or eliminate a negative pattern of talk (such as interrupting others) or to add a helpful pattern such as asking follow-up questions.

If you want to begin such a change process, you can solicit comments from a few trusted friends by asking a few questions such as "How am I doing at listening when we talk?" and "What do I do during our conversations that gets in the way?" You'll be able to increase your awareness this way, and without awareness, change is impossible.

For those who want to inquire more deeply into this "change" topic, I recommend these books:

What You Can Change and What You Can't: The Complete Guide to Successful Self-Improvement, by Martin Seligman (Jan 2007.)

Emotional Intelligence: 10th Anniversary Edition: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, by Daniel Goleman. (Sept. 2006)

Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships, by Daniel Goleman (July 2007

(You can order these books through my bookstore at www.conversationmatters.com. Doing so helps defray my

costs in publishing this complimentary newsletter.)

(Words this issue: 1005; Reading time: 3.5 minutes)

Loren Ekroth ©2010, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.