I didn't think I'd have time to put together another newsletter this week. But I got notice that I'd had an article republished in a collection of essays, so I updated and edited that article and offer it to you this week. (And I still have had time to pack my boxes for the move to Nevada.)

"Business is a conversation because the defining work of business is conversation - literally. And 'knowledge workers' are simply those people whose job consists of having interesting conversations."

-- David Weinberger

CNBC anchors reported this on Oct. 13:

Apple Computer has an economic productivity just below that of South Africa, the 33rd largest national economy in the world. (Apple continues to gain and is now the second largest corporation in the U. S. after Exxon-Mobil.)

Truly amazing!

"Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone."

"I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up."

Lenny Bruce, 1926 - 1966

I greatly admire author Charles D. Hayes, an ideal model of a self-taught person who understands that "education is something you take, not something you get."

Like Benjamin Franklin and Abraham Lincoln, Hayes had a spotty formal education

I've been reading two of his most recent books (below) with great satisfaction. Hayes grounds the big ideas he writes about by relating them to his own life experiences. Now "deep into his sixties," (as he puts his age) he leads me through an exciting journey with clear and eloquent prose. Both books are

rich with provocative ideas.

September University: Summoning Passion for an Unfinished Life (2010)pb

What one reader wrote about the book:

"September University is a nourishing feast of a book, replete with reasons to discover new meaning and purpose in the last chapters of your life, to welcome those years as life's most precious gift -- an opportunity to cultivate wisdom and then put it to use in the world."

--Walter Truett Anderson, President Emeritus, World Academy of Art and Science

Existential Aspirations: Reflections of a Self-Taught Philosopher (2010)pb

"Existential Aspirations" leaves no doubt that Charles D. Hayes is one of the greatest pure thinkers of our current era, and this book is a must-read for all thinking people.

--John Schumaker, author of In Search of Happiness

A few basic misconceptions may stand in your way when you attempt to master one of the most important of all social skills, conversation. However, having a clear understanding of the nature of conversation could be your pathway to gaining skill and having more satisfying interpersonal encounters.

As you know, we all begin to learn conversation through active practice beginning in early childhood.

During those years you are learning through an apprenticeship of observation with your ears and eyes and your practice through mimicry of the speakers around you. (Virtually no one fails to learn to speak their native language and develop a basic vocabulary and manner of speaking unless they are mentally or physically impaired.)

However, although you learn to speak a language and interact, you may not learn to converse effectively. For example, if you do your learning apprenticeship in a hostile or competitive environment, most likely you will think of conversation as a competition and then behave accordingly.

Therefore, let's consider these following 4 insights about conversation:

1. Competent Conversation is collaborative

Therefore, your first insight about learning competent conversation is to see it as a collaborative activity rather than a competition of winning and losing.

When you have learned this mental frame of collaboration around conversation, your attitudes and behaviors during conversation can and will change.

2. You must interact with skilled conversers

A second insight for becoming conversationally competent is this: To become better, you must spend time with competent conversers. Just as to become more skilled at tennis or golf you need to play with good or better players, the same is true of conversational play and practice.

However, if you don't work or live with excellent conversers, where do you find them?

Where can you find skilled conversers?

Increasing numbers of "conversation cafes" are springing up around North America. These are groups for enjoying the practice of conversation around interesting topics. There are no dues or tuition costs. To learn if there is a cafe in your area, check www. Conversation Cafe.org. Generally, these drop-in groups meet weekly for about 90 minutes of friendly and satisfying conversation.

Also, check for related groups called "Socrates Caf©" or a book club for deeper discussion. Check also for public workshops on interpersonal communication offered by community colleges and various training companies.

3. Conversation is a special kind of knowledge

The third insight is that conversation skills are a "process knowledge", not just a "thinking knowledge." Like riding a bike or hand-writing a note, the knowledge is in the behavior.

Conversing has a certain "feel" to it. It's not knowing ABOUT something, like geography or history. It's about knowing HOW (to do something). That is why many books written about conversation are only marginally helpful to the learner.

Learning more effective ways of conversing - the particular moves and phrases

Example: Many Japanese students are taught English as "book-learning" through many years of school. Most are unable to converse in English at a competent level. Why? Because they lack oral practice with competent speakers.

4. Self-confidence results from learning strong skills

The fourth insight is that your emotional confidence usually follows being skillful. (But it only rarely precedes it.)

This is true of almost any activity: juggling three balls, writing a sales letter, roasting the holiday turkey. You have to DO the behavior first before true confidence arrives. (The psychological term for this process is "self-efficacy" --

A feeling of awkwardness and self-consciousness often accompanies your attempts to learn any new process knowledge, and this is especially true when we are being observed by others.

Real confidence is usually the result of your repeated practice of a skill and pressing through any awkwardness to the point of comfort. (Many people interpret their awkward feelings to mean they should avoid an activity because it's uncomfortable and might even be risky or dangerous. This is a common mistake and has the effect of preventing people from gaining social skills.)

Like the tennis player who competes only against weaker players, these conversers never advance in their level of skill because they stay within their comfort zone. Some discomfort comes is normal while learning new or different social skills. If you don't accept that reality, you'll stay cloistered within your zone of comfort and will not stretch into new behaviors.

In summary, good conversation is a collaborative dance, not a competition. For best learning, we must talk with accomplished conversers. Then we must practice and not merely think about conversation. And finally, we must push through any awkward feelings during the learning.

1. Another Unexpected Newsletter

2. Conversation Quotation

3. Jest Words

Loren Ekroth ©2010, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.