Better Family Conversation Week, Nov. 22-28, 2010

Coincides with Thanksgiving, a peak time for families

and friends to gather. I created the "Better Family

Conversation Kit" as a way for families to engage

in deeper and more meaningful conversation during

their time together. You can find this kit for low

cost on my website, "Conversation Products"

Link www.conversationmatters.com

You may choose your word like a connoisseur,

And polish it up with art,

But the word that sways, and stirs, and stays,

Is the word that comes from the heart.

--Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1850 - 1919

You may choose your word like a connoisseur,

And polish it up with art,

But the word that sways, and stirs, and stays,

Is the word that comes from the heart.

--Ella Wheeler Wilcox, 1850 - 1919

To give you a complimentary sample of

the full kit, I have created a mini-kit

you may download at

http://conversationmatters.com/pdfs/bck2.pdf

You can purchase the full enriched version

of the Better Family Conversation Kit in

the Conversation Products section of my

site, www.conversationmatters.com

The full kit has been wonderfully successful

at family gatherings and reunions to create

a meaningful time of sharing that goes far

beyond superficial small talk.

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."

-Julia Child, 1912 - 2004

A few weeks ago my computer was diagnosed withwhat the technician called "a trojan." Here are 2other meanings of that term.1. A subversive group or device placed within enemy ranks. 2. The hollow wooden horse in which, according to legend, Greeks hid and gained entrance to Troy, later opening the gates to their army. 3. Computer Science A program that appears to be legitimate but is designed to have destructive effects, as to data residing in the computer onto which the program was loaded.

A few weeks ago my computer was diagnosed withwhat the technician called "a trojan." Here are 2other meanings of that term.1. A subversive group or device placed within enemy ranks.

2. The hollow wooden horse in which, according to legend, Greeks hid and gained entrance to Troy, later opening the gates to their army.

3. Computer Science A program that appears to be legitimate but is designed to have destructive effects, as to data residing in the computer onto which the program was loaded.

Something to think about today.

"What's old collapses, times change,

And new life blossoms in the ruins."

Friedrich Schiller, poet and playwright, 1759 - 1805

I am still unpacking from my relocation from upstate New York,

and last week my computer was down as a result of a Trojan Horse virus - my first and, I hope, my last. I've got a new security system on my computer. All in all, I am glad to be back to a more benign climate and many friends. As well, Las Vegas is the convention capital of the U. S., and that gives me lots of opportunities to speak professionally to meetings.

Great thanks to all you subscribers who gave me your support

throughout the tedious process of packing up and moving!

While living comfortably outside of a small town where I knew almost no one, I learned how precious are old friends, people who knew me well, supported me, and showed interest in my life. Absent such friends, a pleasant home, good food on my table, lovely surroundings with deer and wild turkeys in my yard, and adequate creature comforts were not enough. I also needed loving friends for nourishment.

I saw clearly that I could not live by bread alone. Being "out of community" doesn't suit me.

I am not a Henry David Thoreau that does well in a small cabin away from people.

What I found was that most of my communication was of the "instrumental" kind. That is, the exchange of factual information that enabled me to fulfill common functions like shopping in the supermarket or mailing a package. What was lacking for me, a newcomer and an outsider, was "affective communication," a way of sharing emotions with others. People I met were usually polite and civil, but our exchanges were rather perfunctory and matter of fact. I got things done, but I didn't feel much connection.

With people we know well, it's appropriate to express ourselves more personally and affectively. We can show deep affection and loving support with those we know. But at the library and the store check-out counter, expressing strong feelings is often inappropriate.

Still, we can show gratitude and appreciation for those who are helpful, folks who often go unappreciated, the service people in our lives. Doing so uplifts both them and ourselves and follows the Golden Rule of doing unto others as we would like to be done unto.

Opportunities abound and come with virtually every encounter. Here, from an anonymous writing entitled "Right Now, Somebody," are examples:

Somebody misses you.

Somebody wants to talk to you.

Somebody wants to be with you.

Somebody is thankful for your support.

Somebody is thinking of you and smiling.

Somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.

Somebody wants to be forgiven.

Somebody is grateful for your forgiveness.

Somebody wants to laugh with you.

Somebody remembers you & wishes you were there.

Somebody treasures your spirit..

Somebody loves the way you make them feel.

Somebody's glad that you're his/her friend..

Somebody is wishing that you noticed him/her.

Somebody wants to get to know you better.

Somebody misses your advice/guidance.

Somebody needs your support.

Somebody needs you to have faith in them.

Here are four others to consider:

1. Acknowledge the people whose service you too often

take for granted. Say thanks to your letter carrier and

trash collector.

2. Be fully present when someone else is talking:

Concentrate and really listen.

3. Offer an encouraging word to someone who is tired,

distraught, or discouraged.

4. Contact a person who has contributed something

important to your life.

Perhaps the most difficult time for speaking in a

considerate and loving way is doing so when others

are judgmental or rude. It is often easier to simply

reciprocate and be harsh in return. Being considerate

requires doing something not because another rewards

us, but because it's right.

A great resource for dealing with difficult people is this book

by Dr. Kent Keith of Hawaii, written when he was an undergraduate student at Harvard many years ago and

later expanded into a longer book entitled Anyway: The Paradoxical Commandments: Finding Personal Meaning in a Crazy World.

Here are four relevant paradoxical commandments:

1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.

Love them anyway.

2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.

Do good anyway.

3. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.

Do good anyway.

4. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.

Help people anyway.

When we "light another's candle" with our words and manner, we do not diminish ourselves. We do not have less because we act with kindness and generosity.

To me, knowing that is very cheery news!

Words this issue: 1376 Est. Reading Time: 4.5 minutes Better Family Conversation Week Soon Conversation Quotation Better Family Conversation Kit Jest Words Word-a-Week Inspirational Quotation Re-Relocation Article: Not By Bread Alone

Loren Ekroth ©2010, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.