"Conversation is a meeting of minds with different memories and habits. When minds meet, they don't just exchange facts: they transform them, engage in new trains of thoughts. Conversation doesn't just reshuffle the cards: it creates new ones."

Theodore Zeldin

Check out these excellent (free) resources for Windows.

Amazing list! (You can also subscribe to get updates.)

http://www.makeuseof.com/pages/best-windows-software

Please share your good idea with our subscribers. Send

the idea to loren@conversationmatters.com. I will give

you full credit for what you submit.

A wide array of fine books about conversation is in my

bookstore on my website, www.conversationmatters.com

If you plan to raise the level of your conversation skills

in the new year ahead, take a few minutes to browse these

books. Buying one will help you and also will support

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As I grow older and older

and totter towards the tomb

I find that I care less and less

Who goes to bed with whom.

--Dorothy L. Sayers

An excellent word to put to use as a verb or adjective. New

words freshen up your talk.)

Pronunciation: Na-TURR

Meaning: To talk incessantly

Also, nattery (adj)

Random House Dictionary of the English Language, 2nd Edition

Example: "Josh is the most nattery person I know. He never

stops talking!"

"When large numbers of people share their joy in common, the

Happiness of each is greater because each adds fuel to the other's flame."

Saint Augustine.

During the holidays, we sometimes receive gifts that don't

quite suit us. Shoes or shirts don't fit, music or books or clothes may not be to our liking. We may conclude that the gift-givers, while well-intentioned, did not ask themselves "If I were Susie or Bill, which gift would please me?"

In gift-giving, the ability to put yourself in the receiver's

shoes to find just the right thing is the sign of real thoughtfulness. Similarly, in conversation, the ability to be flexible and adapt is the hallmark of mastery.

A principle of interpersonal communication is that "Meaning is perception." That is, what a receiver perceives from the sender determines the meaning of the message. To get your intended meaning across accurately, you must take into account how the receiver thinks and their level of skill.

Language choice

Skillful professionals are able to adapt their language when communicating with a variety of clients. An expert physician will find ways to explain complex medical issues without using terms the patient can't understand. Instead, the doctor will use examples and analogies and even draw a picture to make the explanation clear.

Also, when adults talk to children, they may have to adjust

and select simpler words already known by the child.

I have observed that some professionals are inflexible and

seem to want to demonstrate how highly trained they are by using arcane terms unknown to their clients. The results are too often misunderstanding or not understanding at all.

Intercultural conversations

Here in Las Vegas, many residents are native speakers of Spanish. Often they have only basic skills in English. To create accurate understanding, it helps to slow down your rate of speech, use basic vocabulary, and speak clearly. Your failure to make such adjustments results in their failure to understand.

A funny example: Many years ago I was doing research in

Bogota, Colombia and was visited by a senior professor

from my university, apparently to provide needed guidance.

I spoke passable Spanish, but he spoke no Spanish. When

he couldn't get a local to understand his English, he just

spoke louder and louder. Of course, doing that didn't work. What he really needed was a translator (me).

Talking to listening ratio:

There are times to talk and times to remain silent.

Some folks don't "get" this principle. For example,

certain professionals like teachers and preachers

are accustomed to talking. They are good at it.

and they may be uncomfortable with silence. So

their tendency may be to fill the auditory space with

their own words at times when being silent and

listening (or simply being present and paying attention

if the other isn't talking) is the wiser choice.

To be flexible, you must be able to manage the

whole spectrum of talking and listening and be

comfortable with the whole range. Otherwise

you will stay within the small comfort zone of

your habits.

Rate and Volume of Speech

Similarly, there are times that to talk slowly

and times to talk rapidly, and times to

speak quietly or to speak loudly.

To make the appropriate adjustments to your listener

requires that you have both the skill to be flexible and

the skill to assess the situation and the person you're

talking to, which is the skill of empathy - putting

yourself in the other's shoes. Both require mindful

practice. They do not come naturally.

Even if we are talented in with empathy, we almost

never can know exactly how another feels. At best,

we can get close. As Dr. Mardy Grothe wrote,

"People who say 'I understand exactly how you feel'

never understand exactly how you feel."

A diverse and multi-cultural society demands flexibility.

Not only do we have differences in communication

with age and gender; we also have many differences

in ethnicity, nationality, and level of education.

So it's best to make adjustments. After all,

neither one size, nor one style, fits all.

1. Conversation Quotation

2. Pronounce-a-thon.

3. Good Ideas

4. Jest Words

5. Word-a-Week

6. Words of Inspiration

7. Article: One Size Does Not Fit All

Loren Ekroth ©2010, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.