Wow! 87 subscribers commented on my new tux photo, and

All - 100% -- were positive. My lesson? Make changes from

time to time, and I will do that. Possibility for next photo?

"Eknak," replete with fancy turban and cape who offers

questions to answers in the manner of Johnny Carson.

On Sunday afternoon, Feb. 6, 2011, 3:30 to 5:00 p.m. at the Sahara West Library in Las Vegas, I will facilitate "A Feast of Conversation" during which participants explore fascinating topics and learn other viewpoints. All attendees will receive a menu of topics from which they can select items -- from appetizers and entrees to desserts -- and all will receive a hardcopy of my "Small Talk Success Tips" booklet. This is a free event open to the public. If you want to attend, please send an email message to loren@conversationmatters.com. (This is purely for planning purposes.) If you have questions, you can also send me an email. I will respond.

"The voice of our original self is often muffled, overwhelmed, even strangled, by the voices of other people's expectations."

-- Julie Cameron

"About all you can do in life is be who you are.

Some people will love you for you.

Most will love you for what you can do for them,

and some won't like you at all."

--Rita Mae Brown

During a 4-year period in the late 70s, Loren studied psychotherapy at the Psychosynthesis Institute in San Francisco. Subsequently Loren had a practice for 25 years (outside of his university faculty position.) Psychosynthesis is an approach to psychology founded by Italian psychiatrist Dr. Roberto Assagioli that aims at the elimination of the conflicts and obstacles, conscious and unconscious, that block [the complete and harmonious development of the human personality.)

Meaning: the state in which a person shares the same values, ideas, beliefs etc. as the persons with whom they are interacting.

Pronounciation: huh-MAH-fih-lee

A colloquial way to convey the sense of homophily is "birds of a feather flock together."

"I make mistakes; I'll be the second to admit it."

--Jean Kerr

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's

clothes have buttons on the left?

(Please see answer at the end of today's article.)

"Embrace fully your capacity to create, to think in unlimited ways, and to pursue everything that you have been wanting. Be flexible, open and willing to let the new come to you. "This can be the most joyous, prosperous, and creative time of your life."

-- Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer

Slow Talkers of America, a great spoof by Bob and Ray

Last week's issue focused on talking too fast. As a follow-up, I am including this audio bit from the great "Bob and Ray". Listen up, laugh a lot.

http://www.themadmusicarchive.com/song_details.aspx?SongID=9495

As a young person, I was socialized to be a "people pleaser," with the injunction that "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". (This is sometimes known as the "Thumper Principle" from the Disney movie "Bambi," in which the bunny named Thumper is instructed by parents with this principle of behavior.) When growing up into young adulthood, I sought to avoid trouble, try not to make anyone dislike me or be mad at me, and not have my actions or words reflect badly on my family, especially because my father was a local elected official who had to run for office every two years.

There are many reasons people are not authentic. That is, are honest, truthful, genuine, real, without falsehood or misrepresentation. Here are a few of those reasons:

1. To avoid conflict

2. To avoid hurting someone's feelings

3. To feel better by being a "nice person"

4. Not have to admit not knowing or being ignorant

5. To win the approval of others

6. To fit in with a family or group.

Becoming authentic is not easy. Usually it's a tough slog, even with support. As the poet e.e. Cummings wrote, "To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight." In his poem, "The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock," T. S. Eliot wrote the line "to put on a face to meet the faces that you meet." That is, your false face, your persona, the one you think others want you to present.

But being untrue to yourself is hard work and a great drain on your life energy. When you are not authentic are pretending, dissembling, actually lying, you squelch your energy. And inevitably, you are found out to be other than the real deal. It's not worth the constant effort to be someone you are not.

I like the title of Mike Robbins' recent book, "Be Yourself: Everyone Else Is Taken." He presents five principles for becoming authentic. Here they are in simple language:

1. Know yourself. This includes knowing your real thoughts, feelings, and motivations.

2. Transform your fear. We all have fears. It's best to know them and not have them run our lives.

3. Express yourself. Speaking our truth includes some negative stuff like resentments and weaknesses but also lots of positives like hopes and dreams and accomplishments. Learning how to express yourself authentically takes practice and usually requires some guidance, or at least honest feedback.

4. Be bold! Being authentic requires courage. We are inspired by authentic men and women, as we were recently reminded by the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, one who spoke his truth despite enormous risks. (Most of us would have to face only some social risks, not lethal ones.)

5. Celebrate who you are. This includes appreciating ourselves and our uniqueness and forgiving ourselves for our inevitable mistakes and failures.

Until I was in my early 30s, I managed to wear the mask of an actor, or blooming intellectual and future professor. However, when maintaining that persona became too painful and too draining, I joined a number of "encounter groups" to learn how I came across to others and how to deal with my fears of being seen as I was, then how to express myself openly without equivocating. (the group's verdict at first: "hesitant, dishonest with feelings.") Little by little, meeting by meeting, I was able to be more present and more honest. As well, I kept a journal in order to learn more about myself, and I began a regular meditation practice to explore my inner life and become more tranquil. All of these approaches helped.

One source of one's lack of genuineness, as David Weinberger expresses so clearly, is that

"We have been trained throughout our business careers to suppress our individual voice and to sound like a 'professional', that is, to sound like everyone else. This professional voice is distinctive. Andweird. Taken out of context, it is as mannered as the ritualistic dialogue of the 17th-century French court."

So, if becoming more authentic appeals to you, here are some suggestions toward that goal:

1. Spend more time with authentic people you may know. These are good models, and some of their ways of being can rub off on you. (Also, spend less time with inauthentic people.)

2. Read some good books on this topic. Two of the best I know: "Be Yourself," by Mike Robbins, and "Nonviolent Communication," by Marshall Rosenberg.

3. Take a class or join a group that encourages authentic communication. For example, many such programs are offered by the Nonviolent Communication organization. (Get details from this website, http://www.cnvc.org/

Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's

clothes have buttons on the left?

Loren Ekroth ©2011, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.