http://naiwe.com/words-matter/week.php

Sponsored annually by the National Association of Independent Writers and Editors, reminds us of the obvious but easily overlooked fact that words matter.As NAIWE says, "Words can change history."Indeed they can. Further, "Without words, without writing, and without books, there would be no history.There could be no concept of humanity."Take a look at the resources on the site above.

"You're only as good as the quality of the feedback you actively seek.Unpleasant truths trump disingenuous flattery. "

--Alan Weiss

If you'd like some occasional brief "nuggets" of insight about interpersonal communication and conversation, I will provide them in  in special issues.  Some of them are contrarian and go against conventional wisdom.  Let me know, please:

Loren@conversationmatters.com

"When it comes to finances, remember that there are no withholding taxes on the wages of sin."

- --Mae West, 1893 - 1980

This article is parallel to one I wrote several years ago with the title: "Friendship is a Verb."That is, to be real, friendship requires attention and action.

I have heard a few men talk about their "good friend" Joe, who earned a law degree by age 20, or had some other fabulous achievement or attribute.I'd ask "When were you last in contact with Joe?".The response:"Oh about 10-12 years ago."

By my understanding, this kind of friend carries the label, but not the reality."Joe 1998" is not the same as "Joe 2011."People change.But even more important is that friendship is the process.It is not static.

"Friendship is like a garden. It is beautiful when it is watered and tended to with love and care, hugs, tears and cheers, but it will be withered, dry up and die if left untouched."--Author unknown

Absolutely!Living things, whether plants or humans, need care.

In the kingdom of plants, the nourishment comes mainly from soil, sun, and water.In the realm of humans, the main form of nourishment is how we talk and act to one another.Attention, empathy, emotional support, these are the sun, soil, and water of friendship.Therefore, using gardening as my metaphor, I suggest below some basic steps in making and maintaining friendships.

1.First, prepare and maintain healthy soil .

In human life, a healthy soil could be having a positive social climate with harmonious relations.Or it could be living in a culture that valued and supported friendships.But some groups and tribes hold beliefs that are antagonistic to real friendship, such as "You can't trust anyone."

2.Plant right.

Planting would suggest the right time or season for starting the friendship and at the best depth and separation from other plants to avoid crowding.Acquaintanceships do well enough in public and without privacy, but friendships need time away to flourish.

3.Keep down the weeds.

Weeds can crowd out needed sunshine and take space necessary for growth in plants.What are some "weeds" that crowd friendships?A social life so busy that it doesn't allow enough time forclose friends?Workaholism is another, leaving little time for family.orfriends.Sometimes friends compete, demanding we spend more time with them than with others.Those who crowd us or attack are not our friends.

4.Control Pests.

With plants, the main pests include bugs, fungi, birds.Among human, pests can include jealous others who want to impede or destroy the friendship, distractions that nibble at the time for friendship, and toxic people who poison the emotions.Friends must be vigilant so they don't allow pests to destroy their healthy bonds.

5.Water Properly:

When gardening, it is usually best to water less frequently and soak well each time to encourage roots to grow deep into the soil.When building and maintaining friendships, you can suffocate your friend if you don't leave them space for themselves.The mother who phones her adult daughter or son many times each day, for example, or the boyfriend who constantly calls his beloved.We need occasional distance to see our friends more clearly.

As the poet Kahlil Gibran wrote "On Friendship" inThe Prophet,

"When you part from your friend,you grieve not; for that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain."

6.Maintain properly, prune when necessary.

Just as we can't force a plant to grow faster by giving it too much water and fertilizer, we can't force a friendship to deepen faster with many gifts and spoken "sweet nothings."In fact, it's appropriate to challenge a friendship from time to time, just like when we have to prune a plant.For example, if you begin to feel taken for granted, it's right to deal with your concern by bringing to awareness of both.Honest awareness can be the solvent.

As Bob Ewing writes, "Gardening is more than growing food or flowers; it is an interaction, a cooperative adventure and an exchange."

Loren Ekroth �2011, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication anda national expert on conversation for business and social life.

Contact atLoren@conversationmatters.com