"A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet."--Truman Capote, American author, 1924-1984

"If you aim to leave Las Vegas with a small fortune, go there with a large one."

--Don Lorenzo de las Vegas.

Would you like to receive one conversation tip each week in a separate issue, probably Monday morning to start your week? Each tip would be very brief, fewer than 100 words. If many of you say "YES!" I'll begin adding tips on a trial basis. The regular issues alternating articles and "nuggets" will continue on Wednesdays. If "Yes!" send an email to loren@conversationmatters.com with YES in subject line.

A wide array of courses from great American universities like Stanford and M. I.T.

You can become more interesting in conversation with fresh new learnings.

(This resource was submitted by Armour Van Horn, publisher of Quotes of the Day, in response to my July 13, 2011 newsletter. Free subscriptions are available on QOTD subscription page at http://www.qotd.org/subscribe.html

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"Always be "Green and Growing," not Ripe and Rotting."--Judy Cullins, speaker and book coach

1. Complacency

2. No clear goal and specific plan

3. Weak commitment

4. Self-consciousness

5. Perfectionism

1. Complacency prevents skills improvement

Many people, probably the majority, settle for "good enough" or "getting by." These usually will keep mediocrity in place. For example, almost everyone could be a better listener if they'd give listening some attention. But they don't, or won't, because they believe their listening skills are "good enough."

2. No clear goal and specific plan

For example, having only a general goal like "Improve my conversation" is too vague to achieve. Also, a "loaded goal" may be out of reach because it's too grandiose. ("Be the best conversationalist in town.")

But you can implement a specific process goal like "Join a Toastmasters Club and attend weekly." Or a concrete goal like "Study networking books for how to develop a great self-introduction for social events , then practice and use it."

You can use a small S. M.A. R.T goal with these elements:

Specific: "Learn 5 new and important "tech" terms each week for 4 weeks".

Measurable : Each week you can check on your progress by counting the words

Attainable? Yes. This goal is easily within reach.

Realistic? Absolutely.

Timely? If you communicate with or learn from others about computing and the internet, yes.

3. No commitment, or half-hearted commitment

The evidence is that 85% of health club subscribers stop attending after the first few weeks of their year's contract. And the drop-out percentage of those who make New Year's resolutions is even greater. To gain skill in anything takes some practice and effort. Even Mozart practiced the piano for hours a day as a child, and Pablo Casals, greatest cellist in the world, practiced daily into his 90s.

How to correct: Choose a small conversation goal with a big payoff and a clear plan to achieve it. Then you won't need a huge commitment, just a firm commitment.

4. Self-consciousness

Worried that other people will judge you when you change or improve? Maybe you'll draw attention to yourself? True: Sometimes this happens when you go outside of your group's standards. Example: When I taught at the University of Hawaii, I found out that my students of Japanese background who spoke up in class were later scolded by their friends. "Eh, you trying to show off? You trying to make us look bad?" As the proverb went, "The nail that stands up highest gets pounded down. Sometimes that's the way it is, by golly. Get over it. Instead of fearing the judgment of others, remember that "with risk comes reward."

5. Perfectionism

Fear of making mistakes blocks because you'll be cautious about trying new ways of expression.

As my late friend Weston Agor wrote me, "Making mistakes simply means you are learning faster." I saw this clearly when I was able to learn Italian more easily when I was 60 than when I was 25! Why? Because at 60 I was far less concerned about making mistakes. I had been a high school English and Speech teacher in my early 20s and was on guard to be careful with my speech. That perfectionistic habit carried over into learning Italian when I first lived in Italy in my 20s. Years later I quickly became fluent because I didn't worry about some inevitable mistakes in grammar or vocabulary.

The great American philosopher Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915) counsels us with:

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."

Finally, for any perfectionists reading this, I recommend this fine new book by Alina Tugend, "Better by Mistake: The Unexpected Benefits of Being Wrong" (2011).

Until next week,

Loren

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Loren Ekroth ©2011, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.