"You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time."

--M. Scott Peck

"There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance." --Scott Adams,

cartoonist and author of Dilbert.

"The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear."

In response to my recent "Buyer Beware!" comment about the Pimsleur Language method that absurdly claims you can "Learn a Language in 10 Days, Guaranteed!," a subscriber friend shared information about courses available from the Foreign Service Institute of the U. S. Dept. of State

Some of the courses available are very basic, and others, such as the French Basic and German Basic courses, are an excellent choice for someone beginning the study of a language. The FSI teaching philosophy: "The emphasis in instruction is everywhere on speech, and an indispensable component of the learning process is the voice of a tutor, or instructor, whose native language is (whatever.) On no account should the student attempt to use these materials without either a native instructor or recordings of a native instructor's voice." Course material for many languages is available free at the following site:

http://fsi-language-courses.org/Content.php

"The word "conversation" still carries in its origins the remnants of this rich meaning. It comes from two Latin words, con ("together") and vertere ("to turn"), and it suggests that the ways in which we speak to one another are what bring us together. But it also implies that words may be used to drive us apart."

--from an article by Richard Kyte

"I learned... that inspiration does not come like a bolt, nor is it kinetic, energetic, striving, but it comes to us slowly and quietly and all the time, though we must regularly and every day give it a little chance to start flowing, prime it with a little solitude and idleness."

-- Brenda Ueland

My aerobics classmates looked amazed when I nonchalantly tore the white tags from the gym's new foam exercise mats.

The tags read "UNDER PENALTY OF LAW THIS TAG IS NOT BE TO REMOVED except by consumer." (I suspect the mattresses in their homes may still have the tags attached.) They hadn't looked for, or noticed, the fine print. In fact, many of them may never have read beyond the first bold lines on the labels. The fine print in contracts generally comes at the end. The specific details in news stories also comes towards the end, well after the headlines. And the "fine print" in personal accounts that people share with us in conversation tends to show up later. Sometimes those details are sprinkled throughout and, like small forest animals, require your alertness and awareness to notice and hear. Problems in listening that cause us to miss small but critical details include: Jumping to conclusions. Assuming we already know what's coming. Impatience, often because the listener wants a turn to talk. Problems in talking include these: Rambling, digressing, not getting to the important details. Pauses that signal "I'm through" when there is more to be said. The talker says, "I've been looking for a card that rewards you with airmiles on all major carriers. I finally found one with First Credit Bank. It's got a low APR and small annual fee . . ." "Great," says the listener, thinking about signing up. "Gotta run now." Anything missing? How about the fine print? Lots of blackout dates. Miles expire within one year. Difficult to get seating during high travel periods. Must stay over on Saturday night. Or hidden fees (like many hotels, cruises, airlines, and rental cars tuck away)? These details would have come later, had the listener specifically asked, or taken time for the whole story. Instead, s/he got only the headlines. A few simple adjustments by either the talker or the listener could bring out the full account. For example, the talker could preface her remarks by saying "I found a credit card that gives air miles on all major carriers. However, it's got some restrictions, even though its fees are low. Let me explain." The listener could avoid jumping to conclusions by asking, "How about restrictions? Are there any downsides with this offer?" Either way, it would be possible now to get to the fine print. Frequently, marketers, salespersons, politicians, and even social friends, tend to start with their good news while leaving the awkward details until later on in the story. To get to the details, we must listen more thoroughly, often asking explicitly for the details. As bureaucrats are fond of saying, "The devil is in the details." In this hurry-up world, impatient to get on to the next thing, many of us tend to catch only the bold headlines of a story and not take time to learn the "insignificant details." Sometimes it doesn't matter. But often, it does, causing us to form half-baked conclusions, or to take actions we later regret. Conversations can be messy: long, rambling, and incomplete. The process requires a mutual effort, with each person helping the other to get out the whole story and develop a fuller understanding. Although these communications are almost always a partial failure, you can narrow the gap of misunderstanding by taking the time to look for, or to share, the fine print. Assume you are not going to get the whole story unless you pay close attention and actively seek out the details. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Note: Just above the header "Better Conversations Newsletter" at the top of this issue, you'll see a Facebook icon. Clicking on that will take you to your Facebook page. The link to this issue will also appear. You can add a comment and post it so your friends can access this newsletter. Until next week, Loren

The tags read "UNDER PENALTY OF LAW THIS TAG IS NOT BE TO REMOVED except by consumer." (I suspect the mattresses in their homes may still have the tags attached.) They hadn't looked for, or noticed,

the fine print. In fact, many of them may never have read beyond the first bold lines on the labels.

The fine print in contracts generally comes at the end. The specific details in news stories also comes towards the end, well after the headlines. And the "fine print" in personal accounts that people share with us in

conversation tends to show up later. Sometimes those details are sprinkled throughout and, like small forest animals, require your alertness and awareness to notice and hear.

Problems in listening that cause us to miss small but critical details

include:

Problems in talking include these:

The talker says, "I've been looking for a card that rewards you with airmiles on all major carriers. I finally found one with First Credit Bank. It's got a low APR and small annual fee . . ."

"Great," says the listener, thinking about signing up. "Gotta run now."

Anything missing? How about the fine print? Lots of blackout dates. Miles expire within one year. Difficult to get seating during high travel periods. Must stay over on Saturday night. Or hidden fees (like many hotels, cruises, airlines, and rental cars tuck away)? These details would have come later, had the listener specifically asked, or taken time for the whole story. Instead, s/he got only the headlines.

A few simple adjustments by either the talker or the listener could bring out the full account. For example, the talker could preface her remarks by saying "I found a credit card that gives air miles on all major carriers. However, it's got some restrictions, even though its fees are low. Let me explain."

The listener could avoid jumping to conclusions by asking, "How about restrictions? Are there any downsides with this offer?"

Either way, it would be possible now to get to the fine print. Frequently, marketers, salespersons, politicians, and even social friends, tend to start with their good news while leaving the awkward details until later on in the story. To get to the details, we must listen more thoroughly, often asking explicitly for the

details. As bureaucrats are fond of saying, "The devil is in the details."

In this hurry-up world, impatient to get on to the next thing, many of us tend to catch only the bold headlines of a story and not take time to learn the "insignificant details." Sometimes it doesn't matter. But often, it does, causing us to form half-baked conclusions, or to take actions we later regret.

Conversations can be messy: long, rambling, and incomplete. The process requires a mutual effort, with each person helping the other to get out the whole story and develop a fuller understanding. Although these communications are almost always a partial failure, you can narrow the gap of misunderstanding by taking the time to look for, or to share, the fine print.

Assume you are not going to get the whole story unless you pay close attention and actively seek out the details.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Note: Just above the header "Better Conversations Newsletter" at the top of this issue, you'll see a Facebook icon. Clicking on that will take you to your Facebook page. The link to this issue will also appear. You can add a comment and post it so your friends can access this newsletter. Until next week, Loren

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Note: Just above the header "Better Conversations Newsletter" at the top of this issue, you'll see a Facebook icon. Clicking on that will take you to your Facebook page. The link to this issue will also appear. You can add a comment and post it so your friends can access this newsletter. Until next week, Loren

Note: Just above the header "Better Conversations Newsletter" at the top of this issue, you'll see a Facebook icon. Clicking on that will take you to your Facebook page. The link to this issue will also appear. You can add a comment and post it so your friends can access this newsletter.

Until next week,

Loren

Loren Ekroth ©2012, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.