Often couples have one person who talks more than the other, sometimes dominating the conversation and not listening. This imbalance also happens between friends, family members, co-workers, and other pairs.

Try this: Mutually decide on taking turns with each person getting the same amount of talking time. (I suggest about 3 minutes per turn, not more than 5.) Use a watch or a 3-minute sand-timer.

Decide on a personal issue or question to discuss, something like how household tasks are shared, the family budget, or vacation plans.

Flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. That person shares thoughts and feelings about the issue within the allotted time. They don't have to use the whole time, but they should share enough to be relevant and meaningful.

When the first person has finished speaking, the listener must accurately summarize what the first said before beginning a turn. If, according to the talker, the listener's summary is not accurate, or if it omits something important, the talker suggests corrections until satisfied the listener understands.

Then they switch roles, new talker, new listener.

Example: In a half-hour conversation, each person will have about 3 opportunities to talk and 3 opportunities to summarize. The structured process will add a sense of fairness about equal time, and it will improve the understanding of both persons.

Note: When I counseled married couples, I often asked them to discuss their issues in this turn-taking format and then also use at home. Their communication greatly improved. Arguing decreased and understanding increased.

Until next week, Loren

Just above the header "Better Conversations Newsletter" at the top of this issue, you'll see icons for Facebook and Twitter. Clicking on those will take you to your Facebook or Twitter page. The link to this issue will also appear. You can add a comment and post it so your friends can access this newsletter.

Loren Ekroth ©2012, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.