Note: I delayed this week's pointer by one day because many were preoccupied with the election.

You can disagree and say so. Or you can choose to understand. That's your choice.

Dr. Alan Weiss suggests: "Don't feel constrained to tell someone when you disagree with a position. You're an adult. Someone else's opinion which has no bearing on you needn't be responded to in an eternal game of 'gotcha.'"

Instead, try understanding. Say "Help me understand your position. I'll listen carefully."

The late Steven Covey wisely counseled, "Seek first to understand." Good counsel, indeed, but not often put to use. Seeking understanding that the conversers be emotionally mature and not easily prone to argue..

Here are two obstacles to civil discourse:

2. Many folks are closely identified with certain positions and candidates and become upset when others hold alternative or opposing positions. They ARE their positions. (A different way of thinking is to recognize that while you may hold certain positions, you are not your positions.)

2. Some people use another's beliefs or positions as a "litmus test" for friendship: Like "birds of a feather," they want to spend their time with those who share the same beliefs and preferences, and they become uncomfortable around people of a different persuasion. As a result, they gain very little experience trying to understand people with different points of view.

Unfortunately, rancorous disputes among friends and relatives are rather common during heated political seasons. Family members stop talking to one another. Work and business relationships are fractured. Even couples become estranged. (I have a longtime friend and a cousin who have "unfriended" me because I hold positions different from theirs.)

One more thing: If your candidates win, don't gloat. If your candidates lose, don't whine and blame. Get over it. Then seek to heal any rifts.

Just above the header "Better Conversations Newsletter" at the top of this issue, you'll see icons for Facebook and Twitter. Clicking on those will take you to your Facebook or Twitter page. The link to this issue will also appear. You can add a comment and post it so your friends can access this newsletter.

Loren Ekroth ©2012, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.