"Only if we can restrain ourselves is good conversation possible. Good talk rises upon much discipline." --John Erskine, American educator, 1879-1951

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."--Stephen Wright

I love these short talks (about 26 minutes max). Top

experts share "ideas worth spreading" in lively, often

compelling presentations. Over 700 talks are archived

and listed at www. TED.com. Made available free by

this nonprofit organization. Go ahead, stretch your mind

with big ideas.

Meaning: to talk aimlessly, often at great length

The adjective form is nattery, which can be used to describe a person's style of talking.

"Yardley was not invited to participate in our meeting. 'Too nattery,' we all agreed."

Politeness. Politeness has a bad name. We often assume it's about being 'fake' (which is meant to be bad) as opposed to 'really ourselves' (which is meant to be good). However, given what we're really like deep down, we should spare others too much exposure to our deeper selves. We need to learn manners, which aren't evil - they are the necessary internal rules of civilisation. Politeness is very linked to tolerance, the capacity to live alongside people whom one will never agree with, but at the same time, can't avoid.

From "Ten Virtues for the Modern Age," by Alain de Botton

Your listening can make a speaker better. How?

When you show enthusiasm and give full attention, you give energy to the personal talking.

When you say something back that adds a different perspective or extends what the speaker said, you build on what s/he said. Doing this can create new ideas and knowledge. (Do you recall the technique of improv comedy, "Yes, and . . .?" Take what is offered and add to it.)

To help the listener(s), talkers should speak in paragraphs, not pages, then pause to allow for responses. Pausing encourages listeners to add comments and questions.

(Have you noticed that you sometimes get mental indigestion if a talker serves you a full platter of ideas all at once?)

"Learn to pause... or nothing worthwhile will catch up to you." --Doug King

In the workplace, co-workers can help their colleagues uncover tacit knowledge with a simple question, a request to "say more," or a different perspective.

(The term "tacit knowledge" was coined by Michael Polanyi in his book Personal Knowledge. With tacit knowledge, people are not often aware of the knowledge they possess or how it can be valuable to others. Effective transfer of tacit knowledge generally requires extensive personal contact, regular interaction and trust.)

If you disagree with what you hear, wait a few moments to digest the thought, then challenge the idea, not the speaker. Then explain why you disagree.

Two different and less engaging ways of listening are as 1) "the silent sponge" who absorbs what is said with no verbal response and 2) the "active listener" who was taught to paraphrase or repeat (but not to add to) what the talker said in order to demonstrate he "got it."

However, when you contribute your positive energy and thoughtfulness to a speaker, you'll achieve a more lively process and fruitful outcome.

Loren Ekroth ©2013, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.