"Speak not but may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation." --Benjamin Franklin

"He had the intelligence of a ping-pong ball, but not nearly the personality." --Gene Perrett

"What you must dare is to be yourself."

-- Dag Hammarskjold

I mean to ask, are you unaware of any incompetence in your conversation skills?

You may be unaware, and I'll tell you why.

You may be experiencing the sense of "illusory superiority," also known as "The Lake Wobegon Effect." (In the fictional town of Lake Wobegon, Minnesota created by "Prairie Home Companion" radio show host Garrison Keillor, "all the children are above average.") The Effect describes a real and pervasive human tendency to overestimate one's achievements and capabilities in relation to others.

For example, nearly all members of these groups claim to be above average and better than most others: college students, parents, drivers, coaches, and stock market analysts.

For years I have heard people say they were "pretty good" or "better than most," at conversation, but I think they were simply unaware of their weaknesses. (Biggest weakness I observed: Listening skills.)

Without awareness, you can't make changes and get better.

How can you become aware of any incompetent conversation skills?

1. You can ask a trusted friend, "I want to learn how I come across to others when we're talking. My strengths and weaknesses. You've observed me a lot. What do you think?"

There is an adage that "Even your best friends won't tell you." But that is true only when you don't ask them for feedback. When you ask sincerely, they'll probably tell you.

Note: Don't ask family members or intimate friends. They can't be objective.

2. If others seem to avoid you or abruptly excuse themselves during conversation, you may be conversing incompetently, such as talking only about yourself, or constantly interrupting them, or being unresponsive when they talk. These behaviors are the verbal equivalent of having bad breath.

Although you'll be able to conclude that you're probably doing something wrong, you may not be able to determine exactly what that is. So a "trusted friend" can help.

Athletes learn what they're doing wrong not only from their performance, but also from coaches who are objectively observing their moves. Writers have editors who point out any writing flaws and make suggestions. Actors, musicians, and dancers get coaching from directors and take master classes.

Mastering the art of conversation is not a "quick fix," but a longer process that combines full awareness with skills practice. Fortunately, it's worth the effort.

Loren Ekroth ©2013, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.