Many of you told your friends about this "Better Conversations" newsletter. Great thanks to you. You have truly paid your dues.

If you haven't yet told your friends, you can use the

"Seek first to understand and then to be understood."

KAH-luh-kwee

1. a high level serious discussion 2. conversation; a dialogue

"The management team conducted an intense colloquy to make personnel decisions."

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."

-- Franklin P. Jones

Tellers, Sellers, and Yellers

These three types of talkers like to have the final word.

They also like to be right.

See if you recognize these styles. The "Teller" Style "Tellers" lecture, expound, and explain to others. Their tendency may be an occupational style that often accompanies professions of expertise such as medical doctors, college professors, attorneys, and other advice-givers. In conversation, tellers tend to use forms of the verb to be. They believe they are explaining to you the way it "really is." You will rarely find them using modifying phrases like "the way it looks to me," or "my viewpoint on that is . . ." Instead, they speak their truth as if it is THE truth when instead, as we know, it is their opinion, or their conclusion, or merely their "story." Tellers feel satisfaction in talking much more than in attending or actually listening. After all, during listening they will sometimes hear thoughts and opinions contrary to their own, and that is not at all satisfying to them. They'd prefer hearing themselves informing others, and they are usually well-intentioned in doing so, even though blind to the possibility that others also have valid ideas to share. They are willing to accept mere acquiescence or compliance as appropriate responses. The "Seller" Style Sellers like to "close the sale" by managing the talk. They are usually well-rehearsed in their opinions, and they seek to convince, to overcome objections, even to wear down their conversational targets (or adversaries.) Sellers get their satisfaction from "winning'em over" and having other conversers actually admit "I guess you're right." Some sellers are actual salespersons, but one need not work in this profession to adopt the "seller's stance" during conversation. For example, lots of people show symptoms of the "selling" approach when they use the "Yes, but . . ." structures to dismiss your objections. They want their ideas to prevail and are not really open to considering your alternative ideas. (Notice this style manifesting during our current political season - when both "sides" believe they are absolutely right..) The "Yeller" Style "Yellers" will attempt to conquer with vocal volume. Their voices will become louder as they overtalk. Try to interrupt them? No use. They talk louder, and they keep talking. (Public examples include pundits on TV talk shows who schedule adversaries.) Private examples abound, as in personal and spousal arguments. Observe children yellers, and also observe grown-up "children" trying to out-shout each other when civility and reason fails. Silly arguments over "best team" or "best player" among sports fans, a common example. All of the above styles are competitive. Each has a purpose of dominating others. None have the purpose of increasing their own understanding. Ideal Purpose of Conversation: At its best, conversation is a collaboration among people, not a competition. Sometimes, for fun (as in word-games), it can be a "co-opetition." True dialogue is a collaboration, with all participants keeping an open mind to new possibilities. However, In the teller, seller, and yeller styles, the frame around the conversation is competition: The teller seeks to overcome ignorance by "informing." The seller seeks to convince the reluctant or the wrong-headed by winning the argument. The yeller seeks to dominate by vocal power - to win by overtalk or shouting. People using these three styles may be fluent and verbally skilled talkers but, lacking the instinct or talent for collaboration, they are not masters of conversation.

See if you recognize these styles.

The "Teller" Style

"Tellers" lecture, expound, and explain to others.

Their tendency may be an occupational style that often

accompanies professions of expertise such as medical

doctors, college professors, attorneys, and other

advice-givers.

In conversation, tellers tend to use forms of the

verb to be. They believe they are explaining to you the

way it "really is." You will rarely find them using modifying

phrases like "the way it looks to me," or "my viewpoint on

that is . . ." Instead, they speak their truth as if it is

THE truth when instead, as we know, it is their opinion,

or their conclusion, or merely their "story."

Tellers feel satisfaction in talking much more than in

attending or actually listening. After all, during listening

they will sometimes hear thoughts and opinions contrary

to their own, and that is not at all satisfying to them.

They'd prefer hearing themselves informing others, and

they are usually well-intentioned in doing so, even though

blind to the possibility that others also have valid ideas

to share. They are willing to accept mere acquiescence

or compliance as appropriate responses.

The "Seller" Style

Sellers like to "close the sale" by managing the talk.

They are usually well-rehearsed in their opinions, and

they seek to convince, to overcome objections, even to

wear down their conversational targets (or adversaries.)

Sellers get their satisfaction from "winning'em over" and

having other conversers actually admit "I guess you're

right."

Some sellers are actual salespersons, but one need not

work in this profession to adopt the "seller's stance"

during conversation. For example, lots of people show

symptoms of the "selling" approach when they use the

"Yes, but . . ." structures to dismiss your objections.

They want their ideas to prevail and are not really open to considering your alternative ideas.

(Notice this style manifesting during our current political season - when both "sides" believe they are absolutely right..) The "Yeller" Style "Yellers" will attempt to conquer with vocal volume. Their voices will become louder as they overtalk. Try to interrupt them? No use. They talk louder, and they keep talking. (Public examples include pundits on TV talk shows who schedule adversaries.) Private examples abound, as in personal and spousal arguments. Observe children yellers, and also observe grown-up "children" trying to out-shout each other when civility and reason fails. Silly arguments over "best team" or "best player" among sports fans, a common example. All of the above styles are competitive. Each has a purpose of dominating others. None have the purpose of increasing their own understanding. Ideal Purpose of Conversation: At its best, conversation is a collaboration among people, not a competition. Sometimes, for fun (as in word-games), it can be a "co-opetition." True dialogue is a collaboration, with all participants keeping an open mind to new possibilities. However, In the teller, seller, and yeller styles, the frame around the conversation is competition: The teller seeks to overcome ignorance by "informing." The seller seeks to convince the reluctant or the wrong-headed by winning the argument. The yeller seeks to dominate by vocal power - to win by overtalk or shouting. People using these three styles may be fluent and verbally skilled talkers but, lacking the instinct or talent for collaboration, they are not masters of conversation.

(Notice this style manifesting during our current political

season - when both "sides" believe they are absolutely

right..)

The "Yeller" Style

"Yellers" will attempt to conquer with vocal volume.

Their voices will become louder as they overtalk. Try

to interrupt them? No use. They talk louder, and they

keep talking. (Public examples include pundits on

TV talk shows who schedule adversaries.)

Private examples abound, as in personal and spousal

arguments. Observe children yellers, and also observe

grown-up "children" trying to out-shout each other when

civility and reason fails. Silly arguments over "best team"

At its best, conversation is a collaboration among people,

not a competition. Sometimes, for fun (as in word-games),

it can be a "co-opetition." True dialogue is a collaboration, with all participants keeping an open mind to new possibilities.

However, In the teller, seller, and yeller styles, the frame around the conversation is competition: The teller seeks to overcome ignorance by "informing." The seller seeks to convince the reluctant or the wrong-headed by winning the argument. The yeller seeks to dominate by vocal power - to win by overtalk or shouting.

People using these three styles may be fluent and verbally skilled talkers but, lacking the instinct or talent for collaboration, they are not masters of conversation.

(Words this issue: 762 Reading time: 3 minutes)

Please Help to Spread the Word Conversation Quotation Word-a-Week Jest words Article: 3 Styles that Monopolize Conversations

Please Help to Spread the Word

Conversation Quotation

Word-a-Week

Jest words

Article: 3 Styles that Monopolize Conversations

Loren Ekroth ©2010, all rights reserved

Loren Ekroth, Ph.D. is a specialist in human communication and a national expert on conversation for business and social life.